Chaotic Wrestling: On Thin Ice!

On Thin Ice!

Not Mortar with Jalisa (although, yes, also that, about which more later), but the latest Chaotic Wrestling show, in Tewksbury, MA on February 13, the eve of Valentine’s Day!

So grab your beloved, and let the chaos begin!

The night opened with a tag team tournament match between The Trauma Factory (The Mind Eraser Mike Graca and Iron Rick Byson) and The Shooter Boys(Anthony Vecchio and Aaron Ortiz). Graca emerged wearing a mask that looked like it might have come from the GWAR surplus store (does such a thing exist? And does anyone have a coupon code?) and creepy white contacts. The mask came off but the contacts did not, and the match was underway. Though the Shooter Boys were the smaller and less experienced team, their superior athleticism carried the day as they flipped and flew their way to victory!

Backstage, we saw King BMT laying out an array of Valentine’s Day treats for Queen Ariel. She saw them, loved them, and apparently thought they were from Jamari, who did nothing to disabuse her of the notion. A sad and angry BMT took half the chocolates for himself and punched the stuffed bear, who had done nothing to deserve such treatment.

Next, PanOptic Champion Shannon Levangie emerged for her first title defense against…well, nobody was scheduled, so she announced the ShanOptic Open Challenge, open to all comers. The Big Cheese took her up on it and emerged with less hair on his head and more on his face than the last time we saw him. It looked like it would be a Shannon vs Cheese match, but then Jariel Rivera emerged and announced that he too wanted a title shot! And so did Godrick, who apparently never got the memo about the GGC disbanding and was following Rivera, puppy-dog like, in an effort to continue the toadying he perfected as a member of the GGC.

So it was a Fatal Four-Way match for the championship, with the first to pin any opponent being crowned (or, you know, belted) champ! Shannon and Cheese formed an alliance that lasted only as long as it took for them to abuse Godrick, but then Cheese threw Levangie out of the ring to take on Godrick and Rivera by himself, which seemed a…questionable strategic move. Godrick tried to get Rivera to tag him in to what was not a tag team match and ultimately Shannon, on her 2nd trip to the top rope of the match, managed to pin Godrick for the win, thus retaining her championship!

Next up was an actual tag team match, another first round tag team championship match between Patrick Wheatman and Cash McGuiness, teamed under the moniker “The Breadwinners,” versus The Monarchy, which in this case was Ariel and Jamari with BMT at ringside. It did not go unnoticed that they emerged to Jamari’s music and not the official Monarchy theme.

McGuiness tried his signature move--the suggestive hip thrust--but all it earned him was a boot to the gut from Ariel. BMT engaged in some shenanigans, pulling the rope down as Wheatman was flying toward it, giving Wheatman a trip to the floor. But BMT’s presence proved a mixed blessing for The Monarchy, as Queen Ariel left the ring to tend to BMT as he apparently (and, judging by the look on his face, fraudulently) aggravated his injury at ringside. This left Jamari alone to lose to the Breadwinners.

Rich Palladino wished Cassidy (or possibly Cassady) a happy 25th birthday and promoed upcoming shows when he was interrupted by a hoodie-clad Mortar, who grabbed the mic and once again apologized to Jalisa for the inadvertent elbow to the head at the last show. He said she hadn’t been answering his calls or texts for two weeks. Jalisa said, “we’ll talk about it at home,” which was a win for Mortar, as now he gets to go home! Mortar then declared his intention to fight Brian Fury at Cold Fury. If he survives his conversation with Jalisa, we’ll look forward to that!

Next up, a New England Championship match between champ Milo Mirra and challenger Aaron “Evil Gay, the Dime Piece” Rourke! The match opened with more stroking and spanking than we typically see, as the homoerotic subtext became just text! Aaron Rourke showed more underhanded tactics than we’ve usually seen from him, perhaps really embracing the “Evil” part of his his moniker. It was a competitive, even match featuring an array of entertaining aerial moves and culminating in the competitors exchanging 8 consecutive pin attempts! Mirra dispensed the 8th and deciding pin attempt, the only one that eared a three count, and retained his title.

Rourke grabbed the mic and offered what seemed to be a sentimental tribute to Mirra. Rourke said that with his career taking of in WWE, he doesn’t know how many more indie shows he has left, and said that Mirra is the future, a hard worker, a high flyer, and the personification of… “a stupid bitch,” before beating the snot out of him.

Rich opened the second half of the show wishing Cadence a happy 15th birthday before bringing out Mr. Bacon, who emerged in a styling sweatervest and berated the crowd for Tewksbury’s low standardized test scores (had we attended this match in person, we might have started the chant, “standardized testing was created by eugenicists and remains a profoundly problematic way to measure student performance!”). Mr. Bacon then contended that he was going to raise the level of learning in Tewksbury.

Never has a Chaotic crowd been so happy to see Kalvin Dumont, who interrupted Mr. Bacon’s speech to lament his title loss and the fact that Chaotic crowds are mean to him. Once it was clear that the two would wrestle, the crowd chanted “Kalvin! Kalvin!” followed by the signature “Bacon Bits.” Mr. Bacon dominated the early going, but a resurgent Dumont looked like he might get the win…until a devastating suplex from Mr. Bacon put him away.

Next up? A special announcement from Chase Del Monte! Chase came out to announce that though Miracle Generation dispatched the Unit in the tag team tournament, they can’t continue in the tournament, so he needs a team to fill the slot. Trigga the OG came out to demand to know why he, one of Chaotic’s best tag team competitors ever, was not in the tournament. Chase replied that it wasn’t his fault that The Unit didn’t call him. Ouch! This brought out The Unit, and, in the most spectacular, unexpected victory of the evening, Trigga got JT Dunn to stop talking! He then asked Danny Miles why he hadn’t called, Miles said he thought Trigga was enjoying his solo run--see, relationships are all about communication, people! Miles ultimately taunted Trigga for being the only person in the ring who was never heavyweight championship, which led to Trigga and Chase teaming up to lay a humiliating beatdown on the Unit. Wonder who the mystery 4th tag team in the tournament is going to be?

We got a Chaotic After Dark promo, then Rich wished Carson a happy 19th birthday and it was time for the main event, with Tyree Taylor taking on Armani Kayos, with not only the heavyweight championship, but also Sidney Bakabella’s WWF Hall of Fame ring (Which he apparently got to keep even after being kicked out of said Hall of Fame) on the line!

Brooklyn’s Heavy Hitter vs. The Skinny Legend seems like a mismatch on paper, but Kayos’ superior agility…didn’t do much for him in the early part of the match. Unfortunately for Taylor, he got distracted by Bakabella trying to get his ring off of Rich Palladino’s table, and Kayos was able to fly out of the ring and inflict some devastating shots on Taylor. The shift in momentum was short-lived, however, as Kayos spent the next several minutes being absolutely abused by Taylor.

Another Bakabella attempt to snatch his ring back provided the distraction necessary for Kayos to mount a comeback, and the two were relatively evenly matched until Taylor once again lost focus, taking time out to grab Bakabella by the throat and snatch his wig! Under Bakabella’s signature black wig was…a gray wig! How many wigs can one man wear at a time? At least two! Kayos took advantage of the…chaos to flip off the top rope and pin Taylor!

It was a wild finish to a wild night. See you in Watertown on the 27th!