Chaotic Wrestling: Seeing Red AND Cold Fury!

It's a twofer this time because I forgot to post my Seeing Red Wrapup. So strap in: we've got a lot of wrestling to cover!

Seeing Red: the only Chaotic Wrestling event named after a Minor Threat song! (Though may we suggest a Bakabella-themed event called Small Man, Big Mouth?)

            The action kicked off with a tag team tournament match featuring the Vegan Society (Sean Keegan, Seabass Finn, dba Tofu Block, and, at ringside, Soyboy Luke Varnas) taking on the breadwinners, Cash McGuiness and Patrick Wheatman. The match featured a lot of what 90’s-era Xmen fans might recognize as the “fastball special,” as Keegan used Tofu Block as a projectile weapon against the Breadwinners. Tofu Block eventually tired of this technique, but it was enough to overwhelm The Breadwinners, allowing the Vegan Society to advance to the finals in the tag team tournament!

            We then got a promo in which Tyree Taylor was knocking on Armani Kayos’ dressing room door in the company of Mr. Bacon. Mr Bacon explained his new moniker, which seemed to both confuse and annoy Taylor. Once Kayos opened the door, Taylor demanded a title shot, and Kayos closed the door in his face. (The Chaotic Faithful will remember that Taylor was in the four-way match when Kayos claimed the title just over a month ago, so Kayos’ reluctance to grant Taylor another shot was understandable.)

            Next up, TNA roster member and former Chaotic Women’s Champion Tasha Steelz came out in a purple/tiger stripe ensemble featuring the Prince glyph on one kneepad to face Panoptic Champion Shannon Levangie. Steelz’ superior strength looked like it might carry the day against Levangie until Steelz left the ring to grab the belt, which she placed in the corner. To everyone’s surprise, none other than former Panoptic Champion Paris Van Dale came out and took the belt. Steelz was distracted by the disappearance of the purloined waistwear, and this seemed to shift the momentum in Levangie’s favor, as she rolled Steelz up in short order and retained the championship! Paris handed the belt to a stunned, suspicious Levangie and pointed approvingly at the champ! Are we witnessing the birth of a new alliance? Or is Paris cooking up a plan to get her former championship back, perhaps by nefarious means? Only time will tell!

            Next up, Brian Fury came out to answer the challenge Mortar issued at Shock to the System. Unfortunately he did not deliver the trash talk the faithful were anticipating, but rather announced  tearfully that he’d been injured in training and would not be able to compete at Cold Fury. Mortar came out and graciously proclaimed his respect for Fury, and then it was time for the next match.

            Jariel Rivera was scheduled to compete against The Big Cheese in a WWE ID match, but somebody moved our Cheese, and he was unavailable to wrestle, so Godrick filled in. Godrick was thrilled to compete against Rivera, whom he declared was his best friend, and Rivera laughed, called Godrick pathetic, and proclaimed that this match would be a cakewalk. But Godrick, emerging from the formidable shadow of the GGC, proved anything but pathetic. Those, including Rivera, who expected Rivera to make quick work of the former toady/yes man were stunned to see Godrick demonstrate stamina, athleticism, and charisma! None of which, however, were enough to overcome Rivera, who claimed the victory and the WWE ID designation!

            The next match saw the newly-formed team of Chase Del Monte and Trigga the OG, wrestling as the Chaotic OG’s, enter to the strains of the Godfather theme. Trigga looked sharp in his trademark black fedora, black suit, and red shirt, while Del Monte looked like an exceptionally long-in-the-tooth member of the cast of Newsies in his cap and suspenders. The Chaotic OG’s faced the Shooter Boys, Aaron Ortiz and Anthony Vecchio, resplendent in matching neon green and black singlets. While the Shooter Boys had the advantage of youth and its attendant stamina, they at first seemed no match for the wily veterans, neither of whom seemed bound by adherence to the rules in their pursuit of victory. Ultimately the Shooter Boys had Trigga alone in the ring, and double suplexed him before Ortiz held him in place and Vecchio flew from the top rope to put him away.

            Chase grabbed the mic to announce that the defeat of the Chaotic OG’s wasn’t the fault of either  of the members of the Chaotic OG’s, but, rather, of The Unit. Chase called the Unit out to “end this now.” (Why two men who were not in evidence during the match were responsible for the outcome was a mystery that would remain unsolved.). The Unit came out, and JT Dunn announced their intention to bring the violence. But before they could bring the violence, Chaotic hall of famer Matt Logan came out and brought the violence himself, hitting both Chase and Trigga with a folding chair. Logan then said he was affronted that Chase had not called him to participate in the Chaotic 25^th anniversary show (what do we always say? Healthy relationships depend on communication, folks!), and now he and The Unit would take on Chase and “his friends” (perhaps an optimistic use of the plural) in a Mill City Melee at Cold Fury. What’s a Mill City Melee? No idea! We’ll find out in two weeks!

            After intermission, it was time for a New England Championship rematch between Aaron “Evil Gay” Rourke and Milo Mirra. Rourke was really leaning into the Evil part of his name, undoubtedly bringing shame to his announced hometown of Sparkle City. Before the bell could even sound, the competitors started fighting outside the ring, and both dealt and received some pretty serious abuse out there. Eventually the vicious combat made its way into the ring, and the competitors took turns taking liberties with the rules. Unfortunately for Rourke, his transgression was observed by referee Brendan Paul, while Mirra’s was not. Mirra retained the championship!

            The main event saw Mr. Bacon, in khakis and a purple sweater vest, taking on Armani Kayos, whose attire was, as expected, several levels of fabulosity above Mr. Bacon’s. Mr. Bacon jawed with a fan in a referee shirt (the same fan whose taunts of referee Brendan Paul are particularly relentless—perhaps he’s angling for the referee job recently vacated by the retired Kevin Quinn), grabbed the belt, and insulted the crowd, and then the match got underway.  It was a battle of strength versus agility, and the seat of Mr. Bacon’s khakis soon revealed why most wrestlers compete in moisture-wicking fabrics rather than cotton. It was a very even match until Kayos responded to the crowd’s exhortations to remove Mr. Bacon’s sweater vest. Perhaps the sweater was, as one wag in the crowd observed, “the source of his power,” as Kayos gained the upper hand in the match as soon as it was removed. Kayos accidentally leapt into referee LJ Childress, taking him out of the match. Mr. Bacon then grabbed the belt, but before he could use it in nefarious fashion, Tyree Taylor came out and used it against Bacon! With no ref, no one could win, but eventually Brendan Paul came out and Kayos got the pin and the win. And then Bacon pounded on him, Taylor pounded on both Bacon and Kayos, and then the lights went out. When they came back on, Mortar was standing there and suplexed Kayos. So Mortar is mad at Kayos, Bacon is mad at Kayos and Taylor, and Taylor is mad at everybody. We’ll see how this plays out at Cold Fury!

Cold Fury and the Oscars in the same weekend?  It was a real bonanza for fans of flashy costumes!

Cold Fury kicked off with a Panoptic Championship match. Challenger and International Pop Sensation B3CCA emerged, sing-rapping her own intro music (and...may we suggest a collab with Max Miller or another hitmaking Swede?) to face champ Shannon Levangie, who was accompanied by Paris Van Dale.

B3CCA and everyone else watching was waiting for Paris to interfere in the match, but she seemed to just be there as a supportive friend, which, let’s face it, is not a role the Chaotic faithful are used to seeing her in. B3CCA dominated early, looking like she would make quick work of the Panoptic champ. But Shannon is nothing if not relentless (it’s in her entrance music and on her headbands!),and she was able to come back and get B3CCA to tap out with a nasty submission hold!

Next up, the Tag Team Championship, with the Vegan Society taking on The Shooter Boys! Tofu “Seabass Finn” Block seemed as surly as usual to be part of this team, Soy Boy Luke Varnas was on hand to enact nefarious shenanigans, and Sean Vegan Keegan was there to espouse his philosophy of kindness to animals and extralegal cruelty to his opponents. (Does he contradict himself? He is large, he contains multitudes!)

Referee L.J. Childress wound up tossing Soy Boy from the match, which, given his history, should probably have been done proactively at the beginning of the match. Tofu Block may not be happy with his name change or his teammate, but he took all his dissatisfaction out on his opponents, even breaking up what looked like a championship-winning sequence when both Shooter Boys were atop Keegan. Keegan gave Tofu Block the championship belt, which Tofu Block refused to use as a weapon. He then literally turned right around and kicked Anthony Vecchio right in his shooter boys. From there, Keegan was able to secure the pin and the championship.

Mike Crockett and “Adult” Mark Beaudry were then inducted into the Chaotic Wrestling Hall of Fame, getting spiffy custom-engraved glass trophies to display in their rec rooms!

Then it was time for another championship—a best 2 out of 3 falls New England championship match between Aaron Rourke and champ Milo Mirra, who have faced off in the last two Chaotic shows (not counting Chaotic After Dark, but what happens at the Huntington Theatre stays at the Huntington Theatre). Rourke was certainly not the same wrestler Chaotic nation had come to know and love—for one thing, he was dressed in ripped, bleach-stained gray jeans. Perhaps his time at WWE Evolve has killed his fashion sense, or perhaps he’s just been away from Sparkle City too long. (Though it must be said he was sporting some sort of forehead gem, so the old Dime Piece was not totally gone).

In any case, there’s no love lost between these two competitors, and the action kicked off in brutal fashion before the bell even rang. Frustrated by his inability to get Mirra down for a 3-count, Rourke sacrificed the first fall, earning a disqualification by hitting Mirra with the championship belt, but then quickly securing a pin immediately thereafter. The competitors were tied at one fall apiece, and Mirra managed to secure the third and decisive fall with two consecutive corkscrews off the middle rope!

Next up, the four vs four Mill City Melee! The Chaotic OG’s, Chase Del Monte and Trigga the OG, emerged with Eddie and Alisha Edwards, with all four members sporting extremely dope custom baseball jerseys with their names emblazoned on the front. JT Dunn, Danny Miles, and 6’5” owner of Cold Fury sponsor M3RK Clan gaming Dakota Daniel then emerged holding garbage can lids (Dunn and Miles) and a can (Daniel) which was more intimidating if less stylish. They were soon joined by Matt Logan, sporting an Irish flag Punisher Skull shirt, looking like the guy you should avoid after about 11AM on St. Patrick’s Day, who brought the other garbage can!

The match was aptly named, as it quickly devolved into all-out violence. We had competitors hit with chairs, a crutch wrapped in barbed wire, the aforementioned garbage cans and lids, and some corn starch! The OG’s had apparently stashed enough doors under the ring to outfit a small apartment building—unfortunately for them, each member of the OG’s was put through one, and their fate was sealed as Matt Logan pinned Chase Del Monte (were they the legal men at the time? Sure, why not?) and the Unit took the win!

Next up, the Who’s Up Next Battle Royal, with the winner getting a Heavyweight Championship title shot! First off, B3, with the Shooter Boys reclaiming their Bam Bam and Bear Bear personas, accompanied to the ring by B3CCA, who did not sing this time. They were joined by Kalvin Dumont, Godrick, Shizu Kuza (making their Chaotic debut),Bobby Casalle, Omar La Casa, Livyah, Sidney Bakabella, sporting the Andre the Giant style one-shoulder singlet, (!!) crowd favorite (and frequent crowd member) Banana Girl, Cash McGuiness, Patrick Wheatman, DJ Powers, and the Monarchy: Prince Jamari, Queen Ariel, and King BMT, all of whom looked incredibly sharp in white outfits with gold accents!

How did all these people fit in the ring? Barely! But the match did get underway, and folks, it was a wild one. Bakabella slipped on Banana Girl’s peel. DJ Powers gently deposited Banana Girl on the ring apron, then took a slap to the face which he returned with a kick to the midsection, sending Banana Girl to the floor! Ariel and Jamari prevented their elimination with blows to the Breadwinners’ faces, but then apparently BMT didn’t like how they were hugging and celebrating, and he tossed them both out of the ring! (BMT, like Mortar before him, no doubt joined the unenviable category of “Wrestlers who have to sleep on the couch in their own homes”). Eventually it was down to BMT, Powers, and the Breadwinners. The Breadwinners eliminated Powers and made the mistake of turning their backs on BMT, who flipped them both over the top rope and claimed the victory and the title shot!

Next, we got the Big Cheese vs. Jariel Rivera match that we didn’t get at Seeing Red! Rivera’s trunks said “Built By” across his crotch and “Divine Design” on his butt. It was unclear whether these sentiments were meant to be read separately or not. The Big Cheese’s pants, on the other hand, had the straightforward message “OHHHH” across the butt. Cheese put up a solid fight, but in the end his buzz cut was no match for Rivera’s long, curly, distressingly moist locks. Also Rivera won the match!

Then it was time for the main event, a fatal 4-way between Mortar, Tyree Taylor, Mr. Bacon, and the defending champ Armani Kayos! Taylor came out in his weird Jon Snow denim vest, Mortar came out in some kind of fringed poncho and shorts bearing the Puerto Rican and Colombian flags and hoisted a young fan on his shoulders, perhaps signaling the end of his “too big for his britches” era, and Mr. Bacon came out in his now-trademark sweater vest.  And then Kayos emerged, accompanied by three scantily clad young women and Sidney Bakabella (fully clad, fortunately, in white suit and blonde wig).

Mortar tweaked his right ankle early in the match but showed great maneuverability despite the apparent injury and the fact that there was scarcely room in the ring for all four men and their colossal egos. Soon the injury proved to much for him, and security helped him from the ring while Bakabella stood up for sportsmanship (not a phrase we anticipated typing, pretty much ever) and prevented Taylor from going after Mortar while he was down!

And so the fatal 4-way became a triple threat, and Tyree Taylor took the opportunity to abuse both of his remaining opponents and Bakabella for good measure. Kayos fought back valiantly, and then Mr. Bacon grabbed the upper hand, but he didn’t keep it for long as all three competitors took turns grabbing the advantage and absorbing an alarming amount of punishment. Bakabella apparently gave up his short-lived dedication to fair play and threw a fireball into Taylor’s face (we hope he recovers in a less unsightly fashion than referee Brendan Paul did from the same trick!). Mr. Bacon took advantage of Taylor’s ensuing absence from the ring by beating the stuffing out of Kayos with a folding chair. It looked like Mr. Bacon would be the new champ, but then Mortar came hobbling back into the ring! Mortar managed to dispense with Mr. Bacon but then had nothing left in the tank, and Kayos got the pin and the win, remaining Heavyweight Champion!

Chaotic nation will need some time to recover, Mortar looks like he’ll need some physical therapy, and Bakabella will probably need a new identity to escape Taylor’s payback. Another fantastic Cold Fury in the books!