Fight Life Wrestling: Never Easy!
We’re always keen to experience new pro wrestling promotions, so when we learned that Fight Life would be coming to Providence, RI on a Sunday afternoon, we quickly secured tickets!
Little did we know that the title of the event, Never Easy, would refer to finding the venue! After circling blocks full of disued warehouses and a mammoth strip club, we found the venue, an old warehouse now repurposed as an indoor skatepark, now being temporarily repurposed as a wrestling venue! Unfortunately it was another two-block journey to find the entrance to the parking lot adjacent to the venue.
Our late arrival meant we missed out on learning the identities of the wrestlers in the “dark” match that opened the event. (The rest of the event will be broadcast on Triller TV next weekend. Triller is also apparently where one can go to watch international cricket matches, if one is so inclined!) We apologize to all concerned.
The main show began with a tag team match. The team of Waves and Curls emerged to the strains of Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” and they shot confetti all over the place. Perhaps not the most intimidating display, but it definitely put the entire crowd in a festive mood, and what do we go to wrestling shows for if not to experience joy?
They took on the team of Prolific, featuring Chaotic’s menacing fave Tyree Taylor, paired with Isaiah Wolfe. And some guy who stood at ringside waiting for a chance to interfere whose name we didn’t catch. It was a fun, exciting match despite the fact that Isaiah Wolfe kept using the word “moist.” (He was inquiring as to whether his wrestling “made you moist.” It did not have that effect on us, but your mileage may of course vary). We’re used to seeing Tyree Taylor quietly seething, so it was a fun change to hear him relentlessly talking trash, though his assertion that “Waves and Curls don’t get girls” did rhyme but seemed to lack the panache of a really devastating roast. Fortunately for Taylor and Wolfe, the match was not decided by the quality of trash talking or the humidity of the audience, and they won, earning themselves a shot at the tag team title.
Next up Kalvin Dumont took on Dank the Clown, who sported tights with marijuana leaves emblazoned on them and a clownish lucha mask with green yarn for hair. We were a bit baffled as to Dank’s popularity with the Fight Life crowd but then realized that pretty much everybody knows a clown who smokes too much weed, so perhaps Dank’s persona is more of an everyman than we realized. In any case, Dank forced Dumont to take a hit off a vape pen and then managed to pin Dumont, who presumably left the venue to go listen to the Dave Matthews Band in his car.
An attorney from Stamford, Connecticut emerged and announced he was suing Dank the Clown for copyright infringement, presumably due to Dank’s resemblance to Doink the Clown, which is…well, they’re both clowns, but otherwise we didn’t see it. Good luck finding a jury of Dank’s peers who can stay awake and alert through a trial should the suit go forward!
Danny Miles then took on Providence’s own Eric Cha Cha, who dealt some MMA-style kicks but proved no match for Miles in a grappling-heavy match that failed to electrify the Fight Life Crowd.
Then it was the tag team championship match, featuring Above All, announced as representing the South Shore of Massachusetts, though real Massholes know this is an ambiguous term that could mean that they’re from anywhere between Weymouth and New Bedford. They took on the team of Trauma Factory, featuring Graca, who sported some rather terrifying white contact lenses, and Byson, who sported boots bearing a two-headed dragon which research informs us is a symbol of the need for balance in one’s spiritual journey, and an iron cross, which research informs us is a symbol of…well, let’s just say it started with the Prussian Army in the 19th century and continued to the German army in the 20th century. Got the picture? (To be fair, it’s also been used in biker and metal subcultures, but our feeling is that there are plenty of badass symbols that weren’t used by the German army in the 20th century.) Despite Above All starting the match with cheap shots at the heads of Trauma Factory, Trauma Factory regained the momentum and took the win. Then Tyree Taylor, half of the number one contender team, came out to jaw at Trauma Factory, and Byson dangled his championship belt between his legs as a kind of flaccid phallic symbol, which perhaps was less intimidating than he intended.
The next match featured Sammy Diaz taking on Seabass Finn. Finn emerged to Fleetwood Mac’s “The Chain,” perhaps signaling his intention to break up with Stevie Nicks. Both wrestlers were popular with the crowd, which chanted “Both these guys!” at the outset of the match. It was a fantastic match ultimately won by… well, honestly, it’s not in our notes. One of these wrestlers won, but it could have been either, and everyone was happy either way.
Time for a six-way scramble match between Yuscifer the Barbarian (pronounced “you suffer”), Milo Mirra, Spike Nishimura, Shannon Levangie, Jeremy Lecroix, and newcomer Kalypto! It was a wild ride. Much of the match took on the character of “Everybody vs. Yuscifer” as he was the largest and strongest wrestler in the match and also his entire mouth was stained black and he did not seem to have language. We got Shannon Levangie flying high, Spike Nishimura kicking high, and Milo Mirra pogoing high. Ultimately Shannon prevailed!
BMT then came out in a sweater and jeans to proclaim that though he had been the winner of the Call Your Shot match, he was giving himself the day off. (We appreciated the notice, but a simple text would have sufficed!) Jermaine Marbury then came out accompanied by a person basketball mascot costume who was holding a basketball and mocked BMT as a “Gap Dad.” (We thought BMT looked quite smart in his outfit, but it must be said we are closer to Gap Dads than basketball-themed wrestlers ourselves). BMT stabbed and deflated Marbury’s basketball (the real one, not the one in the mascot costume) and said he was not going to crease his new Nikes just to wrestle Marbury. Marbury had other ideas, and a match broke out. A match that BMT lost pretty decisively.
Next up we had Icihiban vs. Mortar! Lots of really impressive athleticism from both wrestlers in this match, and we found ourselves, as Chaotic Wrestling fans, in the unaccustomed position of seeing Mortar lose! Ichiban is a very entertaining masked luchador, though he seemed to be saying “number one” in a fake Japanese accent, which was, as the kids say, cringe.
Then it was main event time--JT Dunn vs. Richard Holliday in a Providence street fight match! There were kendo sticks that Holliday was unable to wield correctly! Folding chairs that Holliday had a great deal of trouble setting up correctly! Legos scattered all over the ring! (Not to worry, fans of fair play--this did not give Dunn any advantage, because his child is young enough that legos are still a choking hazard, so he’s not accustomed to stepping on Legos at home. Though he surely will be, and God help him!) A table that Holliday had no trouble getting slammed through! A homophobic fan-made sign taunting Holliday! (Clearly said fan had put a great deal of effort into making the mustache-shaped sign. Would that they had spent as much time and effort on not being an asshole!)
Following the match, Dunn grabbed the mic and gave a long speech about Providence or something. We tuned out, if we’re being fully honest, but Dunn’s continuing embrace of the long, loud, incoherent rant may suggest he’s eyeing a career in politics following his eventual retirement from wrestling!
By this time the pizza and popcorn from the concession stand had run out, the employees of the establishment next door who smuggled in booze were getting sloppy, and we still had an hour long drive to get home for dinner. Still, we had a great time, especially compared to our usual Sunday afternoon/evening activity of “battling the Sunday scaries.” Fight Life announced that they’ll be back. So will we!