Chaotic: Total Kayos!

The rest of the world: total chaos.

Lawrence, MA: Total Kayos! It’s much better!

We opened with a backstage promo in which BMT and Ariel were discussing BMT’s Heavyweight Championship match with Armani Kayos. Ariel said she was also excited to go out and cheer Jamari on, and BMT told her to shut up. This, unsurprisingly, did not go over well, and she shoved him and walked away, leaving him to plead that his two-word sentence “came out wrong” and that, furthermore, the couch is uncomfortable.

Patrick Wheatman came into the hallway, accompanied by Cash McGuinness, who was limping and clutching his left buttock, apparently the result of “swagginatin’ too hard.” Sidney Bakabella busted their chops, then embraced them, then took a call from Armani Kayos, who apparently couldn’t find the championship belt. Oops!

Jamari came in bearing all the Monarchy’s gear, and then we saw, lurking outside the door, Tyree Taylor, doing what he does best: seething!

The opening match was a New England Championship match featuring Milo Mirra vs. Trigga the OG, accompanied to the ring by Chase Del Monte, natch! Who interfered in the match, natch! Milo Mirra went out of the ring to confront Chase, who put his hands on Milo in the sight of referee Brendan Paul and earned himself an ejection!

Fear not, Chaotic fans: Paul’s sudden-onset ability to see what’s happening in the match didn’t last, as Trigga managed to wrap some chains around his fist and punch Mirra in the face. Sadly for Trigga, even this couldn’t earn him the pin, and Mirra rolled him up for the pin and the win shortly thereafter.

We then cut to a promo featuring Shannon Levangie snoozing in her John Cena pajamas, only to be awakened by a boop to the nose from her sleepover pal Paris Van Dale, who gave Shannon a necklace and “proposed” that they be BFFs, and then announced her intention to give Shannon a makeover. If that sounds kinda sapphic, that’s because it was!

Next up, Jariel Rivera vs. Prince Jamari. Rivera’s muscles seemed bigger than ever, and his trunks seemed smaller than ever. Jamari fought the good fight, managing to mount a comeback after being thoroughly abused by Rivera. It looked like Jamari’s speed and agility might carry the day, but then Jamari got punched in the head by the Easter Bunny, looking fabulous in blue overalls and rainbow sweater. The bunny hopped away before referee LJ Childress could spot him, and Rivera made quick work of the stunned Jamari, who must have committed some really awful egg-related atrocities to merit such treatment at the paws of the long-eared holiday mascot.

Omar La Casa then emerged for an in-ring interview with Rich Palladino, but they were quickly interrupted by Kalvin Dumont, who challenged La Casa to a hip swivel competition. Dumont acquitted himself surprisingly well, but La Casa’s hips don’t lie, and he was the clear victor. But then a wrestling match broke out! And soon thereafter, a short-haired guy with a stopwatch around his neck and a white polo shirt and khakis came out, clipboard in hand, and began taking notes on the match! Keen-eyed observers noted the embroidered cashew on the polo shirt, which was the only clue that the short-haired observer was none other than Brad Cashew, who has shorn his flaxen locks! We couldn’t help wondering if Coach Cashew is Mr. Bacon’s coworker. If so, faculty meetings must get wild. Anyway, Dumont eventually got La Casa with the classic wrestling move “thumbs to the eyeballs” and won the match.

Another Shannon/Paris promo had Paris helping Shannon pick some accessories with the help of some assistants who mysteriously appeared at the sleepover. Paris proclaimed, “Looking cute is the solution to all your problems!”

No one knows that better than Danny Miles and JT Dunn, who emerged in fresh new black and electric blue gear as the Unit took on Channing Thomas, making his Chaotic debut, and frequent Chaotic visitor Anthony Greene, aka the team of Starstruck. Starstruck emerged to the strains of Styx’s 1979 hit “Renegade,” begging the question of whether one of them is sixty years old. If so, they look great! Except for the lace-up front on Greene’s pants. Some things from the 70’s need to stay there.

There seemed to be lots of good blood between these teams, as they greeted each other warmly and urged the crowd to applaud their opponents. Fear not, though: mutual respect did not prevent the competitors from fighting hard enough that we’re sure everyone hit the ibuprofen bottle hard after the match.

Speaking of after the match, Greene grabbed the mic from Rich Palladino and demanded applause for all the competitors. The crowd complied, chanting “all these guys!” Greene then made a rookie mistake—letting JT Dunn have the mic. Several minutes later, Dunn encouraged the crowd to chant in favor of itself and said wrestling needs to be fun. We concur!

After intermission, Rich teased upcoming events and was interrupted by Godrick, who asked first if Rich had seen Arcturus (he hasn’t. And neither has anybody else) and then if he could hang out with Rich. Sadly for Godrick, his yearning for a replacement mentor and probable daddy issues were not to bear fruit, as The Big Cheese emerged and told Godrick to “step away from the Rich Palladino, you pasty weird-OHHHHH!” Cheese continued taunting Godrick, who eventually had enough and attacked the Cheese like a fridge-raiding teen on 4/20. Brendan Paul came out and the match became official.

Godrick dominated the early going, showing that he may not actually need a mentor. The Cheese mounted a comeback and ultimately put Godrick away with his new finisher, “the pizza toss.” Ohhhhhh!

Back to the Levangie/Van Dale sleepover, where the made over Shannon came down the stairs in boots, a blue dress, a red snakeskin jacket, rectangular shades and a Marlon Brando in The Wild One motorcycle cap. Paris praised the look and tried to teach Shannon to say “It’s my time to shine,” but Shannon proved kind of hopeless at delivering the catchphrase. Perhaps, like Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club, Shannon Levangie never needed the makeover!

Back to the ring, where the Breadwinners came out, handing slices of white bread out to their adoring, carb-deprived fans. Tag team champs The Vegan Society emerged, the crowd chanted for the Breadwinners, and the match was underway.

The fact that most bread is vegan did nothing to lessen the animosity between these teams, and, unfortunately, the injury McGuinness insisted was nothing serious in the beginning of show promo took him out for a long portion of the match, and the Tofu Block formerly known as Seabass aggravated matters by taking McGuinness out at the knee when he was standing at ringside. McGuinness was being escorted backstage but then came back to the ring, and it looked like the Breadwinners had a chance, but the Vegan Society prevailed. Not satisfied with the victory, Tofu Block pounded McGuinness’ injured knee and set up some sort of folding chair trap before being chased from the ring by Starstruck!

Main event time, and Heavyweight Champ Armani Kayos came out with Sidney Bakabella, who was sporting a sweater even more hideous than his wig, which is really saying something. It looked like a Bruins jersey with a horse on it. Kayos took the mic and asked who had stolen the championship belt, and Bakabella admitted it was him. His motives were unclear even after he explained them, but he did get an extremely dope Skinnyweight Championship belt made for Armani, so that’s good.

BMT came out to contend, accompanied by Ariel, who apparently decided to stand by her man, Tammy Wynette style. Which she presumably came to regret as BMT loudly blamed her for his misfortune in the early part of the match. This seemed to make BMT feel better as he mounted a bit of a comeback, but then the action left the ring and headed into the crowd with Kayos landing some devastating blows to the presumptive king of New England. Back in the Ring, BMT went to work on Kayos’ left leg, making the match extremely competitive. Submission moves were exchanged, but neither competitor would tap out.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Gee, it seems like referee Brendan Paul escaped getting abused this time out,” I have some bad news for you. Kayos jumped at BMT, who spun out of the corner to reveal Paul, who took the full brunt of Kayos’ attack.

With no ref in the picture, BMT gave Kayos a kick right in the Armani Bag and then grabbed the Skinnyweight Championship belt to use it as a weapon. Ariel took the belt and wouldn’t give it to BMT. She was rewarded for her dedication to fair play by taking the brunt of a Kayos dive through the ropes.

With Ariel down, BMT tended to his fallen spouse. Just kidding! He ignored her and went back to the match! Jamari came out to tend to Ariel and Kayos took advantage of the distraction to pin BMT and retain the championship. And then the lights went out, which is never a good sign.

When they came back on, Tyree Taylor was in the ring and, long story short, he doused Sidney Bakabella in gasoline and got a lighter out before Kayos kicked him out of the ring and what appeared to be the entire Chaotic Locker Room came out to stop him from literally killing Bakabella and possibly others as well.

Imagine a guy being so unable to accept defeat that he’d resort to violating all professional norms and several laws to boot! And, imagine further if said guy faced no consequences for his actions! Wild, right? Only in wrestling!

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