Chaotic Wrestling: A Haunting in Tewksbury, 10/3/25
It was a dark and spooky night in Tewksbury, MA. The Chaotic Faithful headed the the Elks Lodge for another show, but in the woods outside the venue, something lurked. Something terrifying.
It was Bear Bronson with a garbage bin full of implements of destruction, ready for the Bear in the Woods match! He promised violence. He said there’d be no rules. (Which made us wonder what exactly referee LJ Childress was doing there, but we found out later.)
The first challenger to arrive was Ricky Smokes, wearing his characteristic sneer and an uncharacteristic hoodie! He and Bear beat up on each other for a while until Kalvin Dumont arrived, and then Smokes and Bronson apparently decided that beating up the arrogant rich kid was way more fun than beating on each other. One highlight had Smokes dragging Dumont into a tent that then shook like the Blair Witch was inside it. Dumont tried to crawl to safety but was pulled back in, like Pacino in Godfather III! Cole Rutherford arrived to come to Dumont’s aid, and everyone hit each other with chairs, crutches, a wiffle ball bat wrapped in barbed wire, garbage can lids, cookie sheets, and whatever other magical items were in the bin!
A truck backed into the woods and a figure in a Ghostface mask and cloak jumped from the top and onto the hapless wrestlers below—it was Shannon Levangie, natch! Gabby Forza showed up as well, and after a whole lot of violence, Shannon pinned Gabby for the three count (so that’s what LJ Childress was doing there!) and that was the match!
Fans filed inside, where more wrestling action awaited!
Rich Palladino came out to kick off the action but was interrupted by a promo in which Armani Kaos asked Sidney Bakabella to be his manager, surely the most unlikely pairing since…you know what, we can’t even think of one that matches this.
John Walters took on Donovan Dijak. Walters is not a small man, but he definitely looked like one next to the colossal Dijak. Dijak dominated the match early, but then John Walters went to work on Dijak’s left knee to great effect. A bum knee didn’t stop Dijak from hitting some good strikes, but it did stop him from pulling off several other moves. Walters continued to attack the knee, but Dijak’s knee evidently got a second wind, and he was able to hoist Walters and slam him to the mat a few times before hitting him with the discus punch and getting the win!
After the match, Dijak grabbed the mic to proclaim his determination to reclaim the Chaotic Heavyweight Championship. Seems like an uncontroversial statement! Wrong! See below!
Time for a tag team match, and Sean Vegan Keegan came to the ring with Soyboy Luke Varnas, then bereated Varnas for being an ineffective henchperson. Keegan asked for a new partner, and file under be careful what you wish for, out came Cash McGuinness, sporting his trademark shades and a t-shirt that read “WHITE BOY OF THE YEAR.” They faced King BMT and Prince Jamari of The Monarchy, with Queen Ariel at ringside.
Varnas tried to interfere in the match even after having been publicly humiliated by Keegan. Have some self respect, man! Varnas took a few shots for his trouble, and Cash McGuinness proved an equally problematic henchperson for Keegan as he attempted to break up a tag and wound up dropping an elbow onto the supine Keegan! The Monarchy were able to take advantage of the subsequent, disagreement between McGuiness and Keegan to take the match.
Keegan and Varnas were jawing in the ring when Tyree Taylor emerged from the shadows. He looked extremely angr. So angry that he took the chain from around his neck (not a gold chain, folks. It looked like one of those lock chains the bike messengers use) and deposited it in the garbage can! Which is a strange intimidation tactic, but are you gonna tell him? Don’t get him mad, people! You never know which of his possessions he might dispose of next!
Rich Palladino couldn’t even get through promoting the next events when he was interrupted by Powers of Influence, who demanded (and did not receive, of course) total silence that they might go live on Instagram. They boasted for a while but were interrupted by the emergence of the Miracle Generation. Kylon King brought a stepladder and did a devastating parody of Powers of Influence climbing the ladder at Chaotic Wrestling. (The ladder shook as King whined, “I’m scared! It’s too much pressure!”) Then JT Dunn and Danny Miles from the Unit emerged to make it a triple threat match!
Or, anyway, it was going to be a triple threat match, but the teams couldn’t wait for the bell to ring before they started attacking each other. Eventually it did ring, and all three teams were pretty evenly matched, but when Danny Miles caught Dustin Flash Waller in mid-air and he and Dunn slammed him to the mat, it was all over. Dunn and Miles remained in the ring to announce that they’ll be putting the tag team championship on the line at Cold Fury in a ladder match against any and all comers!
Then it was time for Arcturus to face his former disciple Milo Mirra. Mirra arrived in colorful new tights and holding the pogo stick, which he used to vault himself into the ring. Arcturus first berated the crowd for using profanity—and how unlike a religious fanatic to try to spoil everyone else’s fun!—then announced that he would not, in fact, be fighting Milo for the New England championship until Milo beat Jariel Rivera.
Which he did, despite ringside interference from both Arcturus and Sister Selena, in a match that involved some high flying pogo stick shenanigans including Milo pogoing into a flip that landed him atop Rivera. But then Arcturus announced that his invitation to wrestle Mirra was a lie. He then berated the entire GGC for being idiotic enough to believe his lies. He flattened Milo and sent Sister Selena in search of a folding chair, and history was made, as for the first time in the history of professional wrestling, there was no folding chair to be found at the venue. Presumably all the implements of destruction that normally reside under the ring were still scattered throughout the woods of Tewksbury.
Arcturus ordered Jariel to break Milo’s leg, but Jariel chose instead to walk away. Sister Selena broke a yardstick on Rivera’s rock-hard lats and traps, and we’re quite sure he didn’t even notice. Arcturus did his best to break Milo’s leg on his own, and Milo had to be helped from the ring by the Chaotic crew and referee Brendan Paul.
Next up was Scotty Slade’s new interview segment, “Wait Till Your Father Gets Home.” Though he proclaims himself the King of Dad Style, Slade was wearing red sneakers, and everybody knows white New Balances are the proper dad uniform! He began to interview Patrick Wheatman, who, being only 20 years old, could not share a beer with Slade, but he got a nice juice box!
Not much of an interview happened, though, because perpetually aggrieved Brad Cashew emerged to complain about…something. It wasn’t exactly clear, but it involved commentator Julian Starr talking smack about him. Cashew took his rage out on Wheatman, and then Starr came into the ring and flattened Cashew with one punch.
The main event saw Sidney Bakabella, newly dapper in a white jacket and bow tie, accompanying Armani Kayos to the ring to challenge Mortar for the Heavyweight Championship. The competitors were evenly matched until Mortar suicide dived at Kayos but hit Bakabella instead. Bakabella was helped to his feet by the Chaotic crew, and, in another historic first, the crowd chanted, “Sidney! Sidney” as he was escorted out.
Mortar and Kayos abused each other in spectacular fashion for the next fifteen minutes until Mortar got Kayos in the Boston Crab. Just when it seemed that Kayos would have to tap out, the lights tapped out instead. And when they came back on, Chase Del Monte was standing in the ring with no ref in sight. He yelled at Mortar that he had ruined the 25th Anniversary show (yes, because fans just hate a brutal main event! How inconsiderate of Mortar!) and proceeded to attack both Mortar and Kayos , and then the lights tapped out again (somebody at the Elks lodge needs to call an electrician!) and Dijak appeared in the ring and choke slammed Mortar. Dijak menaced Chase for a while, and Chase called for a mic.
He explained that he resented Mortar for calling Chaotic “his house,” and for saying he would be the greatest Heavyweight Champion of all time, when Chase himself owned that title. Chase announced that he would face Mortar for the championship at Cold Fury! Dijak put his hand on Chase’s neck, and Chase reminded him he was no longer working for the “geriatric pervert” in Stamford (perhaps an overly charitable assessment of Mr. McMahon, who is nominally not in control of WWE anymore, anyway) and he should take his hands off Chase’s neck and remember who’s boss. To everyone’s shock, Dijak complied!
An exhausted Chaotic fandom left the venue, thankful they had three weeks to rest up before the next event!