Chaotic Wrestling: Balance of Power, 12/3/25
Spotlight on Tewskbury MA, where Chaotic Wrestling explored a political principle stretching all the way back to Thucydides: Balance of Power!
Rich Palladino announced Cash McGuinness, weighing in at “none of ya damn business” and sporting his trademark “White Boy of the Year” shirt. He was soon joined by Milo Mirra, who pogoed his way into the ring despite the knee brace that seemed to be a result of Arcturus brutalizing that particular joint at the last Chaotic event. Mirra dominated early but seemed to tweak his trick knee, giving McGuinness an opening to inflict some punishment. McGuinness did the stanky leg dance, a move invented when his age was surely still in single digits! While we certainly admire McGuinness’ dedication to historical dance, he might have paid more attention to the match, as Mirra managed to win with a Death Valley Driver! Mirra seized the mic to hype himself up, diss McGuiness, and to challenge Arcturus to a rematch for the New England Championship. Will the power of the pogo be able to overcome the craven, cheating cult champion? We will find out in Watertown on December 19th!
Rich barely was able to promote the bar and the baked goods when the lights went out. When they came back on, Donovan Dijak had his hand on Rich Palladino’s throat, demanding the mic. We’ve been watching Chaotic matches for years, and Rich has never objected to giving up the mic, so this display of intimidation was entirely unnecessary. Perhaps Dijak was absent for the day in kindergarten when they taught, “use your words.”
Dijak demanded a championship or something, and Chase Del Monte came out and reminded Dijak that for all his achievements, he has never beaten Chase. So it was a number one contender match for a shot at the championship between Chase and Dijak. Or was it? Shannon Levangie came out and grabbed the mic (without choking anybody! We hope Dijak took note!). Levangie taunted Dijak and Chase for their age and said Chaotic fans want her as the heavyweight champion. (Though honestly if Levangie can compete for the heavyweight championship, we’ve got some questions about the Chaotic weight classes.)
Chase dismissed Levangie with some sexism worthy of an online incel, and then Sidney Bakabella (in fashionable new blonde wig!) emerged with Armani Kaos. After hyping up Kaos with a phrase borrowed from RuPaul, Bakabella announced that he had invented the Fatal 4-Way match in 1991 and that such a match would take place tonight! Uneasy alliances were formed as Levangie and Kaos took on Dijak and Del Monte, but of course the alliances fractured quickly. At one point Dijak slammed the other three competitors onto the mat from the top rope, but he wasted time polling the crowd on which one he should pin and got a Del Monte boot to the face as a result.
Levangie has clearly been hitting the weights as she was able to hoist Dijak onto her shoulders, albeit briefly, but Dijak hoisted Levangie with far less difficulty and used Feast Your Eyes to get the win.
We cut to what appeared to be a kitchen where Kalvin Dumont regaled members of the Chaotic Crew with tales of how awesome he is before turning around and spilling his iced coffee all over Tyree Taylor. Fortunately Taylor has a famously long fuse and took the accident in stride. Just kidding! He seemed infuriated that Dumont had ruined his Old Orchard Beach t-shirt. Fair enough! He might have paid as much as fifteen bucks for that!
Back to the ring where Ben Bishop, announced at “Six foot twelve and fifteen percent of a metric ton” took on Kalvin Dumont, who emerged unaccompanied by Cole Rutherford, which surely complicated Dumont’s plan to defeat the 6’12” Bishop with chicanery. Bishop absolutely brutalized Dumont, who showed sensible cowardice by fleeing the ring. Where Bishop followed him and dispensed yet more punishment. Back in the ring, Dumont managed to get some shots in, but Bishop appeared unfazed. Dumont appeared to flee to backstage but ran right into Tyree Taylor, still sporting his coffee stained Old Orchard Beach tee! Bishop took a swing at Dumont and hit Taylor by mistake. Taylor clotheslined Bishop, and Kalvin came in from the corner for the opportunistic pin. He then leapt into the arms of Tyree Taylor, who threw him back into the ring so Bishop could abuse him some more.
In advance of the next match, BMT came out sporting a neck brace. He said he was not medically cleared to compete, then said a mysterious “they” backstage wouldn’t let him compete. He then ripped off the neckbrace that he totally needed. He talked trash about Powers of Influence who then emerged, sporting their tag team championship belts. Zamora, once he could be heard above the crowd chanting for him to shut up, proclaimed BMT a jealous old has-been. BMT replied that Livyah told him that DJ Powers has a micropenis, but before Powers could reply, the Shooter Boys emerged to chase them from the ring and then challenge for the belts!
The Shooter Boys were sporting the sky blue and black tiger stripes made famous by Will Ferrell in the 20025 comedy classic Kicking and Screaming but did not wrestle like hilarious underdogs, instead bringing it to the champs in a very even and athletic match! Sadly, Powers of Influence were able to retain their title.
Backstage, Queen Ariel confused BMT by referring to Prince Jamari as “honey” and telling him that she had some new entrance music for him. Which played as he came out to challenge Arcturus for the New England Championship. Arcturus was announced as representing the GGC, forcing the philosophical question of whether one can represent a one-person faction. Jamari greeted Arcturus with a series of drop kicks, but they were not enough to bring the big man down, and Arcturus spent the next several minutes tossing Jamari around like a sack of potatoes. If a sack of potatoes could eventually cling to your back in an effort to choke you out! Jamari nearly beat Arcturus after Arcturus missed a moonsault off the top rope, but Arcturus regained his composure and pinned Jamari. And then Milo Mirra came out and chased Arcturus from the ring!
Next up, a tag team match between Sean Vegan Keegan and Soy Boy vs Seabass Finn and Patrick Wheatman. While Soy Boy spent the first part of the match being abused by Finn and Wheatman, he and Keegan quickly combined for some chicanery that allowed them both to choke and bite Finn while the ref’s back was turned. Wheatman came in and turned the tide, putting Keegan into an airplane spin while the crowd cheered “hit the ref,” though poor Brendan Paul was just trying to do his job! Eventually Keegan managed to roll up Finn, giving the Keegan/Soy Boy team its first win!
The main event featured Aaron Rourke taking on Mortar for the heavyweight championship. Rourke made his typically fabulous entrance sporting the lightup Geordi Laforge googles and a spangled, feather-trimmed cape. Unfortunately for Rourke, the match would be decided on more than fashion. Mortar emerged and led the crowd in the Mortar dance, and then the competitors got down to business. The crowd’s loyalty was divided as the two beloved wrestlers faced off and they chanted “Both These Guys!”
Rourke displayed an uncharacteristically brutal approach, throwing Mortar into the post, throwing Mortar into the turnbuckle, and tossing him out of the ring and body slamming him to the mats at ringside. But one thing the Chaotic faithful know and Rourke was about to find out is that Mortar can take an astounding amount of punishment and come back swinging. Which he did, and both competitors were violent and evenly matched, but Mortar was able to pull out the victory.
And then all hell broke loose. Arcturus came in, pursued by Mirra, Powers of Influence were fighting the monarchy, Chase Del Monte took out a security guy before going after Mortar, and then Milo Mirra pogoed his way to ringside and took out an entire crowd! Queen Ariel and Shannon Levangie abused Kalvin Dumont in the ring then jumped off the top ropes and into another crowd! Mortar clotheslined Del Monte then flipped over the top rope into the ringside crowd…and then the lights went out. When they came up, Dijak chokeslammed Mortar to the mat, apparently giving him a preview of their match in Watertown on December 19th! See you there!