Chaotic Wrestling: Shock The System 2026!
On Friday, January 30, it was time for Chaotic Nation to Enter the Octagon!
No, Chaotic has not become an MMA promotion. The event, Shock the System, just took place in the inexplicably octagonal function hall at the Irish American Club in Malden, MA!
Rich Palladino kicked off the proceedings, and Tyree Taylor lumbered into the ring wearing a denim vest with what appeared to be a dead coyote on the shoulders. (Well, are you gonna tell him fur is murder?). His challenger, crowd favorite Patrick Wheatman emerged, and the match was underway. Wheatman tried to lift Taylor on his shoulders early in the match, but even Wheatman’s prodigious strength couldn’t help him get the much larger Taylor into the air. Except he did later! And slammed him to the mat! Except it didn’t matter—in the end, Taylor was simply too much for Wheatman.
Next, Armani Kayos came out accompanied by Sidney Bakabella. Bakabella was sporting the blond wig (is there some sort of code involved here? What message is each wig sending? Are we overthinking?) Kayos was dressed in the Heavyweight Championship belt and faux fur pants and half shirt that…well, our notes read, “Armani is giving sexy sasquatch.” Anyway, Blond Bakabella sang Armani’s praises for a while, and then Brian Fury emerged and took about five minutes to say that Kayos doesn’t measure up to the champions of the past. And then Mortar came out and said Kayos didn’t deserve the belt because he didn’t spend enough time setting up the ring. No, really. And just like that, our main event was set, with Mortar vs. Kayos for the Heavyweight Championship!
But first we got Mr. “Don’t call him Big, or Turkey” Bacon vs Cash McGuiness, who came out wearing his White Boy of the Year t-shirt dangling from his waistband, which is, as far as we know, not the right way to wear a t-shirt. McGuiness opened the match with some suggestive hip thrusts in Bacon’s direction, but attitude and sexualized preening simply couldn’t carry the day against the bigger and much meaner Mr. Bacon.
Next up The Unit came out with apparently a new member. Who was he? JT Dunn grabbed the mic, relived the thrill of slapping Chase in the face at the last event, asserted that Malden is unit territory, and welcomed the third guy in a Unit shirt, Dakota Daniels, owner of Mer Clan Gaming, sponsor of the upcoming Cold Fury! Miracle Generation emerged and Dustin Flash Waller taunted the men in the ring for playing Fortnite in their 40s and for not paying bills. Waller asserted that paying bills is a badge of manhood, and let us just interject that the man writing this would happily forego that badge if possible.
The match was very even, with both teams getting in some spectacular shots, but ultimately Chase Del Monte emerged and whacked Dakota Daniels with a chair (we don’t mean to question Chase’s business acumen, but is that really the best way for a business owner to treat a sponsor?). Dunn was distracted, which was all Waller needed to get a surprise pin and pick up the win for Miracle Generation!
Next it was an Instant Classic as Shannon Levangie challenged Kalvin Dumont for the Panoptic championship! Dumont decided to do more wrestling and less preening than we’re accustomed to, which led to an extremely hard-fought match that featured action both in and outside the ring. Dumont laid out hapless referee Brendan Paul with a drop kick to the chest (Why does LJ Childress seem to always escape punishment? It’s like the wrestlers save up their bad behavior for matches refereed by Paul!) and then got mad when Paul couldn’t count Levangie out. (Though he himself had been pinned for at least a five count seconds earlier, and he wasn’t complaining about Paul’s absence then!) Dumont dragged Paul into the ring, Levangie kicked out after a two count and then quickly managed to get Dumont in a triangle chokehold. Dumont tapped out and we had a new champ!
Intermission allowed the Chaotic faithful to catch their breaths, empty their bladders, and get some refreshments and merch, and then it was back to the action as DJ Powers took on Milo Mirra for the New England Championship. Powers’ spray tan was running in streaks down his back when he emerged, and it seemed to be an omen for his performance, as Mirra took the match with some impressive (and not pogo-stick-assisted) high flying, sending Powers back to the tanning booth.
Rich Palladino wished a happy birthday to Amy, who you know if you’ve been to a Chaotic event—she’s very likely the person who checked you in. We echo the sentiment!
Next up Seabass Finn emerged looking dejected. He gave some perfunctory high fives to fans, then got into the ring and read a prepared statement about how he was giving up his flesh-eating, fish-killing ways and renaming himself Tofu Block. He did not, it must be said, seem incredibly enthused by this development. Keegan and Luke Soyboy Varnas soon joined them, with Keegan telling Finn—sorry, Block—he’d have to remove his leather wrestling shoes, which he did.
The team of Livyah and Spike Nishimura came out, and it seemed that their energy and enthusiasm would lead to an easy victory over the Vegan Society, given that Tofu Block was looking pretty listless, but Soy Boy, to absolutely no one’s surprise, (except possibly Brendan Paul’s as he missed it entirely, but give the guy a break—he was knocked unconscious for several minutes earlier in the evening and probably should have been getting an MRI or something), interfered in the match. This wasn’t enough to secure victory for the Vegan Society, though—Tofu Block did that with regular, legal wrestling moves, getting Spike down, but before he could pin her, Keegan tagged in, threw Tofu Block into Livyah at ringside, and pinned Spike for the win!
And then it was time for the main event. Bakabella was wearing his black wig this time. Perhaps that indicates an occasion when he’s all business. Kayos wore red shorts with the word CHAMP emblazoned on them, which feels like a bold move this early in a championship reign—we can’t imagine the folks who sell this gear take returns on ring-worn attire. In any case, the match was long and brutal, with seemingly dozens of momentum changes. Poor Brendan Paul was once again knocked out of the ring and rendered unconscious, though this time it was accidental. LJ Childress took over, but he too was felled by a Mortar boot to the face, and ultimately Brian Fury had to come in and serve as the referee! Which he did, making it official as Kayos pinned Mortar and retained the championship.
And then Mortar had a little hissy fit in the ring, seizing the championship belt and pacing the ring like a caged gerbil before throwing the belt down in disgust and going after Fury. The stalwart black-clad Chaotic crew came to the ring to break up the action, and Mortar’s fiancée Jalisa came and put a hand on his shoulder as if to calm him down. Unfortunately she got an elbow to the head for her trouble as Mortar struck out blindly without knowing who he was striking! As the crowd chanted “you fucked up!” Jalisa slapped Mortar’s face and left the ring, leaving Mortar to slink away and presumably sleep on the couch that night.
The next Chaotic event would be fewer than 24 hours later! Would Brendan Paul have a chance to recover in time? The answer would be revealed at Linwood Mania in Lincoln NH!
