Chaotic: Boston Brawl V!
Folks, there was a brawl in East Boston and it wasn’t at the Spirit Airlines (RIP) counter! It was Boston Brawl V at Excel Academy!
Rich Palladino kicked us off with a match between The Mind Eraser, Mike Graca, from the basement of Butler Hospital, which a quick internet search reveals to be a psychiatric facility in Providence, and Tony “The Big Cheese” Navarro.
Cheese was rockin’ an all-white tracksuit, and The Mind Eraser Mike Graca looked like a taller Glenn Danzig. (How we wished we could have our minds erased after watching Danzig’s directorial debut, Verotika. But we digress!) Graca dominated in the early going with a ruthless, violent style, but The Cheese did not melt under pressure and ultimately finished Graca with the pizza toss.
Those of us who were unable to attend the event in person suffered some technical difficulties which resolved quickly during a match between Dante Drago and Shannon Levangie. Though Drago, as usual, proclaimed himself to be the best, Levangie showed off some spectacular back bends to avoid hitting the mat as well as the always entertaining hurricanrana. But these were not enough to take Drago down, and he exploited the strain on Levangie’s back with backbreakers, Boston Crabs, and a series of elbows to the sacroiliac. None of which were enough to take out the relentless Levangie, who ultimately prevailed in typically high-flying fashion, retaining the Panoptic Championship!
Backstage, Jalisa was interviewing Mr. Bacon, who introduced his partner for the tag team gauntlet thusly: “He’s one of my students. DJ or PJ or something.” (It was, indeed, PJ)
Omar La Casa emerged and displayed his hip-swiveling skills, but would his admittedly impressive hip moves be enough to carry him to victory against Tyree Taylor? Almost certainly not, so La Casa snatched Taylor’s du rag off his head, which seemed...unwise. And, indeed, Taylor proceeded to teach La Casa a painful lesson about snatching a man’s du rag. La Casa mounted a comeback but ultimately succumbed to Tyree Taylor’s Crown Heights Claw, which involved Taylor clutching La Casa’s ribcage with one of his colossal hands. This certainly didn’t look comfortable, but also didn’t look like the kind of move that would cause an adversary to tap out. But it was! La Casa tapped out and Taylor skulked away.
Next up: the tag team gauntlet. Five tag teams entering one at a time. The first team to enter was the Chaotic OG’s, and they were quickly joined by...The Bratz! Paris Van Dale was back in action with Shannon Levangie at her side. Levangie was clutching her lower back, presumably still smarting from the match with Drago, and so Paris began the match, absorbing the brunt of Del Monte’s trash talk and hair pulling. It didn’t take long for the OG’s to dispatch the Bratz, bringing on Mr. Bacon and PJ McGuire. Mr. Bacon seemed annoyed by his student’s enthusiastic entrance, and though we are not Mr. Bacon’s evaluators, we’d say that shaming a student for enthusiasm is absolutely horrible pedagogy. PJ was in the ring first, and Del Monte demanded to know who he was (shouldn’t the boss know who’s showing up to work?). McGuire acquitted himself very well, showing himself to be a master of the arm drag. McGuire got both OG’s down with a double clothesline and went to tag in Mr. Bacon...who refused the tag! It was really unclear what kind of lesson Mr. Bacon was trying to teach here, but McGuire quickly learned how to get pinned, so maybe that was it.
Kalvin Dumont and Godrick were up next, and Dumont predictably hung out outside the ring, letting Godrick take the abuse from the OG’s, but then he entered and caught Del Monte for a surprise pin! This brought up the final team: The Unit, who endeared themselves to the crowd by flattening Del Monte on their way in. Godrick showed impressive athleticism and energy but was hindered by the glory-hungry Dumont, and a team that’s unable to work together is simply never going to best The Unit, who wound up the victors of the tag team gauntlet!
After intermission, it was time for the Monarchy to resolve the long-simmering tension between BMT and Jamari with trial by combat, featuring guest referee Queen Ariel! BMT made no attempt to get the ref on his side, throwing Ariel into the path of the charging Jamari and then telling his wife to “only speak when spoken to.” We can only assume the man has a supremely comfortable couch. The crowd chanted “new king” as well as a few choice epithets at BMT, who devoted the bulk of his energy to arguing with Ariel, but still managed to apparently knock Jamari unconscious. He then grabbed the mic to tell Ariel she looked like a cow, and after taking a shot from the ref, BMT got surprised by a flying resurgent Jamari, who didn’t even need an assist from the Easter Bunny to take out the king! (though it must be said that referee Ariel’s 3-count was...a bit on the quick side. Okay, it was lightning fast, but that’s what you get when you disrespect the ref!)
Next up, a New England Championship match featuring Milo Mirra versus the man with the Mexican mask, the Japanese name, and the extremely questionable accent, Ichiban, who was rocking an artistically shredded t-shirt that would have made a young Jennifer Beals proud. What followed was a thrilling, acrobatic match during which Ichiban proclaimed himself number one at least a dozen times. Finally Mira flattened Ichiban in the crowd with a pogo-assisted leap and then threw him into the ring to get the pin!
Next up was a trios match: Coach Cashew came out and proclaimed that he’s brought many championships to the Excel Academy gym despite the lack of athletically talented students. He also announced that Sean Keegan was injured, so Tofu Block would be teaming up with Jiah Jewel the Crazy Cajun, who actually looked kind of like Keegan if Keegan had been on Swamp People. They were taking on The Breadwinners and Armani Kayos and were accompanied to the ring by Sidney Bakabella, who continues to find sweaters even uglier than his wigs, which is no small accomplishment.
Even without Keegan, the Vegan Society and Cashew engaged in some extralegal chicanery, but Kayos and the Breadwinners managed to hold their own despite their opponents’ attempts to cheat their way to victory. It was a fast-paced and extremely chaotic match that devolved into a brawl that featured Coach Cashew breaking his clipboard over Kayos’ head. Both the audience and referee Brendan Paul gave up trying to determine who was the legal man, but ultimately Tofu Block used the fisherman’s suplex (orthe vegan version—the farmer’s suplex, or the salmon ladder suplex, perhaps?) to pin White Boy of the Year Cash McGuinness.
We hope Chaotic Nation got some good sleep over the long weekend because the next event is only a few days away—Summer of Slams at Night Shift Brewing in Everett!
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