Live Pro Wrestling: Cisco Slam V!
On Sunday, we ventured to Cisco Brewing in New Bedford, Massachusetts (City motto: At Least We’re Not Fall River!) for Live Pro Wrestling’s Cisco Slam V! (We kid! New Bedford’s city motto is actually Did You Know We Used To Kill Whales?)
It was a warm summer day with a delightful sea breeze and we sat in a folding chair the sand for the four o’clock bell time….only to find that this was actually a “Rock and Wrestling” event, and a local band I shall not name was playing.
The band in question was playing Maiden- and Dio- influenced 80’s-style metal, which I have no objection to on principle, but which is not exactly “fun in the sun” music. Don’t believe me? Picture, if you can, Ronnie James Dio in board shorts. It’s just wrong.
Also said band unironically covered a Stryper song. Not sure if they were aiming at “so uncool it’s actually cool,” but that was decidedly not where they landed.
Finally the music ended and wrestling got underway! Rich Palladino on the mic brought out DJ Powers (on Friday we complimented his tan, but perhaps he just looks better under the dim fluorescents of a VFW hall than in the bright sunlight because he was definitely rubbing orange onto his chest as he came out) accompanied by Marshall McNeil, an older gentleman in a yachting cap who had Rich announce that he is not DJ Powers’ sugar daddy. The crowd, of course, began chanting “sugar daddy.” Powers took on Teddy Goodz, who won the match after Powers was distracted by accidentally punching his sugar daddy—sorry, we meant Marshall McNeil—in the face.
Next up we had an NWA Showcase match, Ice Cube and Dr. Dre were not in attendance because this featured two wrestlers from the National Wrestling Alliance, aka the promotion Billy Corgan runs when he’s not auditioning musicians who can stand to work with him! Said wrestlers were Livyah and Kylie Alexa. Kylie objected to Livyah wearing shades in the ring, but, in her defense, it was an extremely sunny afternoon! Kylie taunted the crowd, whined to the ref, and was generally presidential in her demeanor. Except she stayed awake for the whole match! Anyway, she defeated Livyah, mostly fair and square. Or at least square.
The Dreamcrusher Danny Miles took on Bobby Orlando, whose theme song informed us that he is both our mom and “the goatest.” He entered with a stuffed goat on his back, and he handed the goat to a young fan in the front row. Miles was as tough a competitor as ever, but the crowd was not on his side, chanting “that’s my mom!” when he was pummeling Orlando. Miles looked quizzically at the crowd, pointed at Orlando, and said, “that’s your mom?” Twice during the match the young fan tossed the goat to Orlando, who used it to devastating effect against Miles, prompting us to wonder if it’s stuffed with like bricks or something. Anyway, Miles was no match for Our Mom with a stuffed goat, and Orlando took the prize. (Is that him “rapping” his theme song? Could have been Mickey Avalon, we suppose, and how’s that for a deep cut?)
Next up, a trios match featuring Big Swizzle, aka Sweat Boy, Craig Costa, and Trigga the OG vs. Waves and Curls (who once again entered to Whitney Houston. Weird how they were bad on Friday night but good on Sunday! What are they, every churchgoer we’ve ever known?) and The Devil’s Reject, Brandon Webb, who sported scary facepaint but apparently was not as evil and sadistic as his namesakes from Rob Zombie’s only decent movie! Too bad! (You want to make a case for The Lords of Salem? Yeah, we didn’t think so.) At one point Webb was parading Sweat Boy outside the ring for fans to slap his chest. The young man sitting next to me did and said, “he wasn’t kidding about being sweaty.” The match ended when Webb and Waves and Curls simultaneously put their opponents through three doors, which just happened to be under the ring! You never know what you’ll find under there!
Then we got intermission and, unfortunately, more of the band, who at least livened up the proceedings with a couple of Billy Squier covers. Those of you who know me personally know that if I’m calling a Billy Squier cover a highlight, the proceedings must have been grim indeed.
And then more wrestling! The Breadwinners came out, grabbed the mic, and dissed the band, saying, “we need some Drizzy Drake!” (We thought Kendrick ended Drake so thoroughly that no one would say his name in public anymore, but apparently we were wrong!) Cash McGuinnness took a french fry from one ringside fan, ate half of it, and threw his leavings at a child So it was a no-brainer to root for Shot Through The Heart when they came out (With the band playing their theme song “You Give Love a Bad Name” live. Now that’s some fun in the sun music!) TJ Crawford tore off his warmup pants, inexplicably terrifying the Breadwinners, and the match got underway. With red-haired Patrick Wheatman the legal man at the beginning of the match, the crowd taunted him with “Weasley!” and they quickly figured out that a “Ron and Harry” chant was the more effective way to get under the youngsters’ skin. Maybe it was the psychological damage done by the crowd, or maybe it was Love Doug and Crawford doing their usual “kicking all kinds of ass in the name of love” routine, but Shot Through The Heart dispatched The Breadwinners.
Next up, Richard Holliday, still a preening, mustachioed villain, took on Ichiban. The crowd taunted Holliday mercilessly about his mustache (which is perfectly respectable, in our opinion, though of course crying out for the accompaniment of a beard), and one fan even stripped down to a zebra-striped Speedo and posed threateningly at Holliday! Ichiban flew through the air several times and nailed Holliday with high kicks and even a 619, but ultimately size and strength carried the day against speed and athleticism, and Holliday took the Man of Steel belt from Ichiban!
Finally, a triple threat match for the heavyweight championship, featuring Brian Gosselin, aka BRG (Who was not taunted with “Jon & Kate Plus 8” chants) vs Erik Chacha and, accompanied by Sidney Bakabella and Channing Thomas, who, in a surprise twist, was wearing a full-length robe! Bakabella was wearing garish stars and stripes tank and pants, topped with an auburn wig, a nice change from his usual black! He was also holding the “Dave’s Hot Chicken Championship” belt. This became important later!
A young fan taunted Bakabella, who promised to marry the young scamp’s mom, become his stepfather, and make his life a living hell. (The young fan’s mom shook her head emphatically to indicate that Bakabella’s dream would never come true, but it was a good taunt anyway.)
It was a fast-paced match, and it looked like Chacha, the smallest and quickest of the competitors, was about to take it when Bakabella pulled on his feet, preventing him from pinning Thomas. This allowed BRG to pin Thomas himself and retain the heavyweight championship. Everyone left, and only Bakabella and a seething Chacha remained in the ring. First, Chacah did something we’ve been waiting literal years for: he snatched Bakabella’s wig, revealing the bald pate below!
Chacha then flattened Bakabella, and then Rich Palladino announced that the Dave’s Hot Chicken Championship was in play! Rather than claiming the poultry-tie-in belt for himself, Chacha pulled a young fan (we’d guess about nine years old) into the ring, pointed at Bakabella’s supine frame, and said, “pin him!” The young man fell on Bakabella’s chest and hooked his leg, earning a 3 count and making him the new holder of the Dave’s Hot Chicken Championship! Rich Palladino announced it thusly: “your new Dave’s Hot Chicken champion...that kid from the crowd!”
The crowd roared its approval, Chacha put Bakabella’s wig on the kid’s head, he and the kid exited with the kid holding the belt above his head, and our weekend ended on a note of pure delight!
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