Chaotic: Next Level!
Tewksbury Massachusetts, home of the Public Health Museum, was once visited by President Andrew “Forget about the Trail of Tears, put me on the 20!” Jackson, but good things happen there as well! Like Chaotic’s Next Level event!
We began with Rich Palladino back on the in-ring mic announcing the entrance of Omar “The House” La Casa, who emerged in his fringed silver vest and performed his trademark hip swivel before New England Champ Milo Mirra came out with his purple P.O.G.O. The match featured both wrestlers playing to their strengths, with La Casa deploying the hip swivel in both defensive and offensive (very offensive, judging by the look on Mirra’s face as La Casa swiveled against his groin) capacities and Mirra launching himself at his opponent from the bottom rope. Mirra ultimately prevailed, but La Casa acquitted himself well for the second event in a row, perhaps announcing his arrival as a serious contender!
Rich wished a happy Father’s Day to all the dads in the house and watching at home, and it was time for Tyree Taylor to take on Tony “The Big Cheese” Navarro! But first we saw Taylor backstage, where Coach Cashew announced that it was important that Taylor stick to the plan and then that he actually didn’t have the plan with him but would have to run back to get it while Taylor did his entrance. Some folks in the front row held their hands out for Taylor to slap, and Taylor ignored them, which surely was the best outcome for these foolhardy fans.
Backstage we saw Tony Navarro barricading Cashew in a closet, and then the Cheese came out hyped up even by his own standards and starting shoving Taylor. Because what you should really do when you’re facing a bigger, stronger opponent is to rile him up before the match! Taylor dominated the early going and ripped off his own du-rag this time. The Cheese mounted a brief comeback, but quickly melted under the Crown Heights Claw! But then Taylor refused to release the Cheese after the tap out, and referee LJ Childress declared The Cheese the victor. This went over just about as well as you’d expect with Tyree Taylor, and Childress’ youth and speed definitely served him well in his escape from the raging New Yorker. (Shouldn’t he have been happy the Knicks won? Well, perhaps he’s a Nets fan, in which case he has an additional reason to be grumpy.) Milo Mirra, Omar La Casa, Godrick and Kalvin Dumont then came out to protect the prone Cheese from further Taylor attacks. Yes, you read that correctly: Kalvin Dumont actually put himself in harm’s way to protect someone else. We were as surprised as you are!
Next up, we got the Unit (JT Dunn and Danny Miles) vs. The Breadwinners (Patrick Wheatman and Cash McGuinness). Wheatman opened and swigged from a can of Ghost Energy Drink, as he pursues his lifelong dream of a corporate sponsorship. Before the match, Dunn donned Wheatman’s denim vest, and Miles managed to squeeze into McGuinness’ two-sizes-too-small-for-him White Boy of the Year t-shirt. All four competitors did a fun little dance routine, and then Brendan Paul shut it down by ringing the bell. (Fair enough—this wasn’t a dance recital! For one thing, it was less than five hours long. For another, it was entertaining!) The Chaotic Faithful showed divided loyalties as their two favorite tag teams faced off in an extremly competitive match.
At one point Wheatman did a Space Invaders dance at ringside, or perhaps it was an MC Hammer tribute, or more probably neither, as Wheatman is certainly too young to get either reference. The competitors got less friendly as the match went on, and Brendan Paul enforced the rules with precision and made sure only the legal man was in the ring. Just kidding! After fifteen minutes, the time limit expired and the bell rang. Rich Palladino announced a draw, and Wheatman took the mic from J.T. Dunn (as dangerous a move as snatching Taylor’s du-rag in our opinion) and demanded five more minutes. Dunn took the mic back and said he only cared what the crowd wanted. They certainly wanted five more minutes, and in the all-out melee that followed, the Breadwinners claimed the victory! They’re young, scrappy, and hungry enough to be on the ten dollar bill!
The party didn’t stop as Livyah (with her boyfriend DJ Powers, whose hair was uncharacteristically dry, at her side. This is what happens when Spike Nishimura goes to Japan! Livyah goes back to the problematic ex! Come back, Spike!) facing off against PanOptic Champ Shannon Levangie, with Paris Van Dale at her side. Livyah and Powers shared an inappropriate kiss before the match, and, despite the sapphic undertones of some of their recent promos, Shannon and Paris did not. It was a tough match, with Livyah brawling and Shannon flying. Shannon flew out of the ring and hit Powers, and Livyah drop kicked Paris when aiming at Shannon. DJ gouged LJ Childress’ eyes, then picked up the championship belt, which got Paris into the ring to prevent any waistwear shenanigans. Childress ejected both Powers and Paris, which left Shannon and Livyah to fight it out without assistance or sloppy kisses. Shannon then put Livyah away in short order.
Backstage, Mr. Bacon and Milo Mirra passed in the hall, and Mr. Bacon ran into Mirra’s pogo stick and berated him about using a toy and, um, walking around? Mirra told Mr. Bacon to take his old man sweater vest and hobble to the ring, and so he did, taking on his former pupil PJ McGuire. Bacon took his time getting to the ring, stopping to yell at nearly every child in the crowd, which, take it from a former high school teacher, is not an effective disciplinary technique. Nor is clotheslining and powerslamming your student, though we must confess we had a few students who might have benefited from that treatment.
McGuire was no pushover and hit his teacher with arm drags and powerbombs, and if we’re being honest, we knew a large number of teachers who would have benefited from that treatment, but it was not enough to subdue the evil educator, and Mr. Bacon got the win.
Next up, Kalvin Dumont and Godrick vs. King BMT and Prince Jamari! Jamari appears to have recovered from the multiple injuries he seemed to be suffering from the last time we saw him, and BMT was wearing a Prince Jamari t-shirt, so perhaps he is no longer suffering from the unseemly jealousy he was sporting the last time we saw him. BMT and Dumont wrestled to a standstill, essentially trying to cheat in identical fashion at the same time. BMT left with an apparent knee injury, which would have caused another team to forfeit the match, but Monarchy rules applied, and so Queen Ariel (dressed in street clothes rather than her usual royal regalia) joined Jamari in the ring!
At first Ariel and Jamari seemed to be in sync and were making inroads against Dumont and Godrick, but then The Queen gave Jamari a cheap shot right in his crown jewels! Ariel left the ring and Dumont quickly pinned the stunned Jamari, who suffered the biggest royal betrayal since Lear exiled Cordelia just for telling him the truth! BMT, having recovered so quickly from his knee injury that skeptical audience members couldn’t help speculating that it may have been fake, grabbed the mic and told Jamari that his queen knew her role was to bend the knee for her king and that the Monarchy was always about BMT and Ariel. This earned BMT a clothesline (and presumably a few more weeks on the couch. We worry about his back!) from Ariel, who said she was sick of both men and that the three of them would have a ladder match at Chaotic Countdown to settle once and for all who is in charge of the Monarchy. Dare we hope it somehow winds up being Banana Girl? Or, failing that, the Easter Bunny?
Our main event featured Dustin “Flash” Waller vs Armani Kayos for the Skinnyweight Championship, which Waller promised to rename as the heavyweight championship, though judging by appearances only, we’d say Kayos outweighs him. A long and impressive match followed, with both competitors showing off their acrobatics and aerial skills. It looked like Kayos was about to put Waller away with a moonsault, but Waller quickly pulled referee Brendan Paul on top of him, so Kayos landed on Paul, taking him out of action!
Perhaps seeing an opportunity (to do what, exactly? No idea! Are you gonna question him?), Tyree Taylor came out, only to find himself surrounded by the Breadwinners, Dumont, Godrick, and La Casa. He quickly dispatched all five, but by the time he was done, LJ Childress had emerged to take over refereeing duties! Taylor grinned at the opportunity to get revenge on his striped-shirted nemesis, but Childress hit him with a chop to the neck. Both Childress and the crowd quickly realized that this was a mistake, but before Taylor could flatten him, Kayos got off the mat and flattened Taylor! And then pinned Waller soon thereafter! Kayos then grabbed the mic and said he was tired of Taylor being in his business, and that he would give him a title shot at Chaotic Countdown, (Taylor is announced at 305 pounds, and will really need to rename that championship if he wins) and thereby teach him that there is only one way to live: the Kaytastic way!
If only we’d known that when we were younger. But we will certainly be trying our best to live Kaytastically until Chaotic Countdown, July 10th in Lowell! And that’s on period!
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