Chaotic: Consequences!

Consequences in Watertown, MA! No, not what happened after you ate that probably-too-old stromboli from the Sbarro in the Arsenal Mall food court*—the latest Chaotic Wrestling event!

The night opened with Tyree Taylor trying to enter the event, only to be told that he needed a ticket! “My face is on the poster!” he said, and while this was an excellent point, Skinnyweight Champ Armani Kayos and made an even better point by whacking Taylor with a folding chair. Hard to argue with that!

He also put a garbage can over Taylor’s head and whacked that with a folding chair. Another excellent point! After Taylor demanded a title shot and was denied, Danny Miles emerged, holding his signature crutch wrapped in barbed wire. Miles said Bakabella had asked him to take on Kayos in order to prove that Kayos can be tough enough to take some real violence. (Bakabella—with friends like that, amirite?).

With the main event set, it was time for the first match: the Chaotic OGs vs. The Breadwinners! There was a lot of hard-hitting and high-flying action (When Trigga goes to the top rope, you know you’re in for a world of hurt!), but, surprisingly, the OGs didn’t really cheat at all! Which may be why they lost! Time to get back to basics and work on those fundamentals, like giving your opponents a cheap shot while the ref’s back is turned!

Next up, Mr. Bacon entered and tried and failed to get silence from the crowd. (We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again—if you really want a wrestling crowd to go silent, 2 minutes of grappling should do the trick!) Next, Godrick entered, still searching in vain for Arcturus. Coach Cashew came out to watch the action with clipboard in hand and eventually joined Julian Starr and Pat Matthews at the broadcast table and revealed a heretofore secret talent for color commentary, spouting sports cliches at a dizzying pace! He revealed that he’s going to turn his talent for training high school wrestlers to the Chaotic roster and pick a lucky wrestler to be under his tutleage. But who will it be? Cashew was praising Mr. Bacon on the broadcast, but from our point of view it was Godrick, who lost the match, who would benefit from some coaching from a seasoned professional.

Rich Palladino got Cashew in the ring to announce his coaching goals to the in-person crowd, and then it was time for a Chaotic Challenge qualifying match featuring BMT vs. the Big Cheese, which sounds like a Subway menu promotion! But it was, in fact, a wrestling match, at least until the Easter Bunny showed up again, and BMT, channeling his inner labradoodle, left the ring to chase the bunny through the crowd. The Bunny evaded BMT’s clutches, but BMT was not so lucky vs. The Big Cheese, who pinned BMT easily once he returned from chasing the rabbit.

Didn’t TLC tell us not to go chasing Easter Bunnies? Maybe not. In any case, the remaining members of House Monarchy, Queen Ariel and Prince Jamari emerged, and Jamari was so intent on high-fiving the crowd that he didn’t even realize he body checked BMT, who was still at ringside, to the ground. They took on tag team champs The Vegan Society in a championship match. The Vegan Society dominated early, but Jamari came alive late in the match and looked like he was about to lead his team to victory…until the Easter Bunny emerged. To his credit, Jamari did not leave the ring, but he was distracted enough to get pinned by Tofu Block.

Kalvin Dumont emerged and asserted that his reign as Panoptic Champion, which ended months ago, should entitle him to entry in the Chaotic Challenge. JT Dunn came out and gave an uncharacteristically short speech, telling Kalvin that everything has to be earned and that Dumont would have to go through him to get a spot in the Chaotic Challenge. A wrestling match broke out, and Dunn made quick work of Dumont, earning himself a spot in the Chaotic Challenge!

After intermission we got a New England Championship match featuring Chico Adams, announced as being from “highly presigious Lee, Massachusetts” (having been in Lee, we might dispute that characterization, though we concede that “perhaps slightly more presitigious than Pittsfield” doesn’t have the same ring to it.). Adams took on reigning and defending champ Milo Mirra, announced as being from Medford and wisely making no claims to prestige. Adams announced that anyone chanting “Chico Sucks” would be banned from the building, which had the predictable effect of triggering said chant.

Though Adams was making his Chaotic debut, he was no rookie and dominated Mirra in the early going. Mirra came back but then took too long to pose with his pogo stick at ringside and earned two boots in the back. Fortunately for Mirra, Adams then took too long to pose on the top turnbuckle, and Mirra was able to pogo up to take him down. But Adams was not defeated so easily, and abused Mirra, who managed to escape a pin at what seemed like a 2.75 count. Mirra built on that momentum to win the match and retain the championship.

And then The Bratz—Shannon Levangie in her post-makeover gear and Paris Van Dale clutching her certificate of completion of Shannon’s training regimen—emerged. Shannon announced that she’s been rehabbing a minor injury but will defend her Panoptic championship at Boston Brawl on May 22! And then DJ Powers came out to spout some misogyny and cry about how he lost his title when Jose Zamora got injured but Shannon got to keep her title while she was injured. Powers earned himself a pair of cutters from Van Dale and Levangie and slunk away in well-deserved shame.

Finally, main event time—a hardcore match for the Skinnyweight Championship between Danny Miles (who promised to turn the title back into the Heavyweight Championship) and defending champ Armani Kayos. As you might imagine, this match featured all the style and athleticism that Kayos is known for. Just kidding! It actually featured all the brutality Miles is known for. But, to his credit, Kayos adapted well to the Danny Miles Era of Violence style and did not shy away from using chairs and garbage cans. Of course, Miles too made use of chairs, a toolbox, and a door. We needed some ibuprofen just from watching.

Tyree Taylor came out with a folding chair of his own but only used it to sit at ringside until Miles put Kayos through a door. Miles poured out some thumbtacks, Kayos hit Miles with his own crutch then set up a table and wound up putting himself through it as Miles moved at the last second. Kayos survived multiple chair shots, Miles survived two spinebusters into the thumbtacks, but Kayos had a surprise in his pants for Miles: brass knuckles! A couple of shots from those and Miles went down, allowing Kayos to pin him and retain his championship!

But the action wasn’t over, as Coach Cashew came out, followed quickly by The Vegan Society, who abused Kayos until Cashew could dangle the championship belt in his face and boast that he would be training Kayos’ replacement. And then the Breadwinners came out to dispatch the Vegan Society!

It was a wild night, but what kind of shenanigans will ensue when Chaotic Wrestling visits Coach Cashew’s home turf in East Boston? We’ll find out on May 22^nd!

*We know, we know, its “Arsenal Yards” now and it’s probably too bougie to have a Sbarro, but our memories are long.