Chaotic: In Deep Water!
Ah, summer weekends in Greater Boston. Some folks go to the Cape, some to New Hampshire, and some to Maine (but we inexplicably leave the Berkshires to the New Yorkers), but Chaotic Nation was in Watertown, Massachusetts for In Deep Water! Note that the water in Watertown’s name is the Charles River, which is currently in the grips of a toxic algae bloom, so we urge everyone not to take the title of this event literally. Unless you have a pool or something, in which case, go nuts.
We began with a promo from Queen Ariel, who was surrounded by six young women and proclaimed that this was the era of the matriarchy. As the new ruler of the Monarchy, she decreed that Prince Jamari would henceforth be known as just Jamari, following the “Prince” Andrew model, though if one is going to stop being referred to as Prince, we firmly believe they should change their name to an unpronounceable glyph. She furthermore said she hopes BMT likes stripes. Was he going to be made Sergeant? Was she making him join execrable 80’s thrash band Stryper? Time would tell!
In the meantime, the Breadwinners emerged, with Patrick Wheatman carrying mylar balloons and rocking his now-trademark slice of bread headgear. Wheatman announced that it was Cash McGuinness’ birthday, and that he was now the 20-time winner of White Boy of the Year. (McGuinness is only 20 years old? We have grudges older than him!) Wheatman attempted to lead the crowd in a round of “Happy Birthday,” but was interrupted by Paris Van Dale’s intro music, and Paris came out to wish a happy birthday to the biggest diva she knows, Cash McGuinness. She also handed him a gift bag that inexplicably said “Congrats, Grad!” on the side. Perhaps in honor of McGuinness graduating from his teens?
Wheatman attempted to lead the crowd in “Happy Birthday” again but was interrupted by the dulcet tones of Britney’s “Toxic.” Is this a new birthday tradition? Will we all be singing that around illuminated cakes? That’s an individual choice, but in this case it announced the return to Chaotic of Ava Everett, who was extremely salty that Paris hadn’t arranged a celebration for her and proclaimed that Paris was not her friend and only Livyah was her only friend. Given Livyah’s inability to get through a match without kissing DJ Powers, we suggest she might not be the best choice for a bestie. And, in fact, immediately after Livyah entered the ring, DJ Powers emerged, Brendan Paul entered the ring, and a trios match broke out!
It was a relatively even match at first, but after several momentum changes and Wheatman cruelly battering Powers’ head with a mylar balloon, The Breadwinners threw Livyah and Powers at each other, catching them in a liplock from which they could not escape! With Powers and Livyah making out at ringside, Everett was left to take on Paris and the Breadwinners alone, and the outcome of the match was a foregone conclusion. And this is why you don’t date coworkers, kids!
Finally Rich Palladino entered the ring to welcome Chaotic Nation and introduce Godrick, who grabbed the mic, bragged about being the iron man in the Chaotic Countdown and then recounted his origin story, a sad tale of a man searching for a home and being put aside by the GGC and Kalvin Dumont. He further announced that he was not Godrick, but rather, Jacob Axton. (Any relation to Hoyt?) His opponent then emerged, and in a spectacular display of malicious compliance, was announced as Just Jamari! Sadly, there was no referee. Rich Palladino called for one, and a decidedly depressive BMT emerged in a striped top.
Both competitors brought speed, athleticism, and acrobatic prowess to the match, and Axton’s size advantage was not decisive. It was a fast-paced, high flying match ultimately won by Axton, though if we’re being honest, BMT’s count when Jamari was pinned seemed pretty speedy. Kalvin Dumont then emerged and said something off mic to Axton, who left the ring and said he would repay Dumont’s friendship and treat him as he had been treated. And then the lights went out, and Tyree Taylor’s entrance music started. Taylor emerged with Coach Cashew, clutching a metal briefcase that he probably should get back to Marcellus Wallace immediately, and a match broke out, though, as is often the case when the colossal Taylor is involved, mismatch is probably a more accurate name for the contest. Dumont employed the classic “flee and then try to get some cheap shots in” strategy, and, in a spectacular display of bad judgment, snatched Taylor’s du rag. Dumont got a few good shots in but ultimately succumbed to the Crown Heights Claw and tapped out. Cashew announced that his briefcase contained the contract for a title shot and that everything was going according to plan.
And then Jaleesa entered the ring (after being menaced by a briefcase-wielding Taylor) to try to get answers from JT Dunn as to why he betrayed his friend and partner Danny Miles at Chaotic Countdown. Thrice she asked for an explanation, for any kind of comment, and thrice Dunn refused to say anything at all. Our theory is that Dunn has been replaced by a clone or some sort of Invasion of the Body Snatchers pod because there was a man in the ring with a microphone in his face who refused to speak, so that obviously wasn’t the real JT Dunn. He briefly got in Jaleesa’s face, and we dared hope she might suplex him, but it was not to be, and Rich Palladino came back to remind Chaotic Nation about the bar, the food, and the merch. Apparently there are Chaotic action figures now? Were our home not already chockablock with knicknacks and geegaws, we would certainly have purchased some!
The next match featured Milo Mirra defending the New England championship against Mr. Bacon, who characteristically tried to shush the audience before announcing that Mirra had agreed to forego the use of the pogo stick for this match. Mirra locked the pogo stick and handed it to Brendan Paul, who took it to that mysterious world behind the curtain. (Is it Narnia? We’re choosing to believe it’s Narnia, and Mr. Tumnus is back there cheering every suplex). Mr. Bacon went on to dominate the early part of the match, working hard to inflict pain on Mirra’s left arm, which was all but useless by the end of the match. But Mr. Bacon was ultimately hoist by his own nefarious petard, as he went to Narnia to retrieve the pogo stick (while referee Brendan Paul pulled off his signature move “having his back turned at a critical moment”). When Paul turned back around, he saw Mr. Bacon holding the pogo stick and Mirra feigning a head injury. Mr. Bacon was disqualified and Milo Mirra retained the New England Championship belt!
After intermission, the Vegan Society emerged to boast of their accomplishments, noting that they’d beaten the Breadwinners four times and that the rest of the tag team division was in disarray. Tofu Block, in what we believe to be his first words on the mic since changing his name to honor the king of plant-based proteins, asserted, “the question isn’t who’s next. It’s who’s left.” The Vegan Society issued an open challenge, which was answered by the impromptu pairing of Omar La Casa and Cole Rutherford. La Casa got abused by the vegans in the early going, but a rested and ready Cole Rutherford dominated the herbivore heels, even pinning Tofu Block! Unfortunately Tofu Block, though he was in the ring, was not the legal man, and the legal man, Keegan, got a quick pin on the still-stunned Rutherford. Well, you know what they say about wins: nobody asks how, they only ask how many. Have the Vegan Society joined the ranks of top vegan athletes like Alex Morgan, Venus Williams, Kyrie Irving, and Justin Fields? Probably not! But they are looking pretty unbeatable at this point.
Next up, the inaugural edition of “Talkin’ Cheddar” with Tony The Big Cheese Navarro, who emerged in shades and street clothes with a pillowcase full of...something slung over his shoulder before introducing his first guest, Jose Zamora, who once again did some unseemly motions with his selfie stick before mounting it at ringside. Zamora took the mic and bragged about the technological innovations he’s brought to wrestling and the view count on his videos. He then asked why he was in a dump like Watertown (has he sampled the delights available at Watertown’s Armenian grocieries? Clearly not!) talking to a clown like Navarro who was only there to make people laugh.
The Cheese, nearly in tears, explained that he’d brought some gifts for Zamora, including a Puerto Rican flag, a handle of rum, a stuffed animal, and a whole bunch of disposable cameras, which he chucked at Zamora, pronouncing him a self-centered, narcissistic weasel who is only known for being the man with the camera. In the immortal words of Lizzo, truth hurts! (Also—can you still buy disposable camera, or did the Cheese like, win them at a storage unit auction or something?) Zamora responded by throwing the Cheese to the mat and stomping on him repeatedly. He then ground Navarro’s face against the ring post until the stalwart Chaotic security team came out to stop him!
This brought us to our main event, a Skinnyweight Championship match between TJ Crawford and champ Armani Kayos. Crawford was announced as the most trusted man in professional wrestling, causing us to wonder how one earns such a title. Feeding one’s coworkers’ cats when they’re out of town, perhaps? The two competitors fought a very tough match, and after several minutes, Coach Cashew emerged, briefcase in hand. Was he going to try to cash in Taylor’s championship opportunity while a championship match was already underway? He was indeed! After several minutes at the commentary desk, Cashew pulled referee Brendan Paul out of the ring by his feet. Taylor came out, and he and Cashew demanded a triple threat match. Far be it from us to tell Cashew how to coach, but it’s usually a good idea not to remove the ring official before asking for a modification to the match.
New ref BMT emerged, and Cashew handed him the briefcase. BMT, clearly not thrilled at the prospect of putting in the work that opening the briefcase required, tossed it over his shoulder and out of the ring. TJ Crawford then went out and chucked the briefcase under the ring! While Cashew and Taylor both scrambled under the ring, presumably dodging tables, chairs, barbed-wire-wrapped crutches, metal garbage cans, and whatever other debris hides under a wrestling ring, Kayos quickly pinned Crawford, thus ending the match, retaining his championship, and denying Taylor his championship opportunity!
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