Chaotic: Summer of Slams 3!
Excitement! Danger! The ever-present threat of a career-ending injury! But enough about crossing Revere Beach Parkway on foot—we’ve got wrestling to discuss! On Thursday night, the Chaotic Faithful once again returned to Night Shift Brewing (a short walk from the Wellington MBTA station, though this does require the aformentioned Revere Beach Parkway crosing) for Summer of Slams 3!
Rich Palladino was once again behind the bar on the broadcast mic, which meant Jaleesa was on the ring mic, and she announced our opening contest, with Sammy Diaz taking on Omar La Casa! Once the combatants had made their entrances, Jaleesa told us there appeared to be no referee, but then a dejected BMT, once again clad in a referee top, shuffled his way to the ring. Would La Casa’s youth and smooth hip swivels carry the day against the wily veteran? They would not! But it was a good match! Afterward, Diaz grabbed the mic to give props to La Casa and to announce that whoever won the Summer of Slams tournament (Diaz has already advanced, so this was not a tournament match) would be top 5 dead or alive! It is our fervent hope that it will be alive!
Next up, Coach Cashew announced that all the best coaches were once elite competitors themselves, and having seen Terry Francona, who led the Red Sox to two championships as manager, play baseball in our youth, we respectfully disagree, but nonetheless, Coach Cashew was back in action, taking on Cole Rutherford, who has thrown off the shackles of Kalvin Dumont’s “friendship” and is now competing on his own. This put the Chaotic Faithful in the uncomfortable position of cheering for a competitor from Connecticut against the arrogant, petulant Cashew, who had a bulge at his ankle that made us wonder if we was on probation! Fortunately for Cashew and the probation officers of Massachusetts, it was not an ankle monitor, but, rather, a red flag, which Cashew threw when he thought Brendan Paul wasn’t counting fast enough on a pin attempt. A flustered Paul was heard to say, “that flag doesn’t mean anything here! This is wrestling!” but Cashew is a man of his time and never one to let facts get in the way of his own personal narrative!
Rutherford got the pin and the win shortly thereafter, and Cashew was gracious in defeat. Just kidding! He remonstrated with referees Brendan Paul and BMT and eventually blew his whistle, which apparently was the signal for Tyree Taylor to enter to take on BMT! BMT pleaded with Taylor that he has eczema and asthma, but Taylor seemed profoundly uninterested in BMT’s medical history. As for us, we were just glad that a Dupixent ad didn’t break out! (Though we’d prefer one starring BMT to the ones that play on every commercial break for Real Housewives of Rhode Island!). Taylor pre-emptively snatched his own du-rag, thus avoiding the humiliation that had been visited on him by previous opponents, and dominated BMT for several minutes, ultimately dispatching him with the Crown Heights Claw!
The Vegan Society emerged and announced that Luke Varnas had been a disappointment and they needed a new SoyBoy. (This is the thanks Varnas gets for cheating on behalf of Keegan and The Vegan Society for months? How sharper than a serpent’s tooth to have an ungrateful tag team champion!) They brought out Kalvin Dumont, and then their opponents, The Breadwinners with The Jamari Formerly Known as Prince! (Keegan asked “how many times to we have to beat them?”) The Breadwinners definitely won the pose-off and choreography competition, as they pulled off the signature crotch grab and a couple of cool synchronized moves with all six competitors in the ring. Unfortunately for the Breadwinners, though, the match was decided by pinfall rather than cool moves, and so the Vegan Society prevailed once again. (Though at the merch table after the match, it was decidedly a different story as the lonely Society pined after the Breadwinners’ line of customers. Heels put their bodies at risk to entertain you too, people! What would wrestling be without them? Buy some merch!)
Next up, we had CJ Tino, announced as being from San Diego by way of Tewksbury, taking on Milo Mirra for the New England championship! The tight confines of the room meant that Mirra would have to defend his title without his favorite spring-loaded accessory for the second match in a row. Tino proved himself an able, ripped and angry competitor, (and you’d be angry too if you left San Diego for Tewskbury!) and even won over the hearts of the crowd, or, more specifically, two people in the crowd who were definitely not his parents. Probably. He gave Mirra a run for his money, but Mirra ultimately prevailed with death valley driver followed by a corkscrew splash!
Next up, a Summer of Slams redemption match featuring Tony “The Big Cheese” Navarro versus “JT Dunn,” who we’re putting in quotes because we still do not believe this taciturn competitor could possibly be the real JT Dunn. Dunn emerged wearing a Danny Miles T-shirt. Was he taunting the friend he betrayed? Was he attempting to atone for his churlish behavior? Or was it just laundry day and that was the only thing he had clean? We were left to wonder because Dunn was once again refusing to speak. He was certainly spoken to, though, as one young man in the crowd taunted him relentlessly throughout the match.
The Cheese acquitted himself well until Jose Zamora emerged from the curtain, once again clutching his beloved selfie stick (sure, sure, it’s a “360-degree camera.” We’ll make a deal with Zamora: stop stroking that thing suggestively and we’ll figure out what it’s really called!). Navarro was distracted and enraged by Zamora’s appearance, and Dunn took advantage of the distraction to give the Cheese a boot right to the bocconcini! He then quickly got Navarro unconscious with a sleeper hold (or perhaps Navarro was just sleepy from too much burrata!), and Brendan Paul called the match for Dunn!
But the chaos wasn’t over: the same young fan who’d been taunting Dunn for the entire match began following him on the outside of the ring. Chaotic’s stalwart security emerged, but rather than removing the malicious mark, they held back Dunn! This gave the young man an opportunity to shove Dunn, who responded by pushing the young man down onto the ring apron! He might have done some serious damage were it not for the intervention of Chaotic security. Remember folks: when the wrestlers shove each other, they’re at work; if you shove one of them, you’re committing assault! (Did this young man have no friends at the match to check his reckless behavior? And what happened to him once he was escorted backstage? We can’t help suspecting we haven’t seen the last of him...)
Next up, we got a six-person scramble for the Skinnyweight Championship! Alec Price emerged first, flexing on the competition in an AEW hoodie. He brought out Vinny Talotta from Philadelphia, who was apparently surprised and annoyed that he was competing in a 6-person match. Champ Armani Kayos emerged next and brought out Jacob Axton. Still holding the mic, Kayos told the petulant Talotta that he was acting like a brat and we heard a voice say “Did somebody just say brat?” and the Bratz, Shannon Levangie and Paris Van Dale, emerged to join the scramble!
Talotta voiced his frustration to Price, saying that he’s changed since signing to AEW and that he used to be The Bustah but now he’s just a bum. This confused us, as we have it from no less authority than TLC themselves that bustah is a synonym for a scrub. Perhaps Talotta was the best friend whose ride Price was hanging out of, trying to holla at T-Boz? We put our puzzlement aside and enjoyed a lightning-paced, high-flying, truly chaotic match!
One notable development from this match was more intra-Bratz conflict, which led to Shannon and Paris shoving each other at one point. This conflict between besties ultimately led to them being unable to contend and dashed the hopes of the fans chanting “two belt Bratz!” (Okay, okay, it was just us chanting that.) The match concluded with Kayos pinning Talotta for the win! Coach Cashew then emerged to try to kill the vibe by telling Kayos that in seven days in Malden, it was all going to come crashing down.
But Kayos’ vibe was not so easily killed, and he continued to exult in the victory as Chaotic Nation filed from the brewery. Will it all come crashing down in Malden? We’ll be at ringside to see!
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