Chaotic Countdown 2026!
We began with a long introduction to BMT. First a woman with a northern English accent narrated a CGI video featuring a fire-breathing dragon and an uncanny-valley BMT. Something about England and kings and how BMT has proven his right to the crown by defending it with blood. Then BMT came out in a dragon mask, which he doffed to reveal a neatly trimmed beard, which was a great choice, and blonde cornrows, which were...an interesting choice.
Apparently the Monarchy’s coffers were empty after BMT paid for the pro subscription to the AI video generator, so Queen Ariel and Prince Jamari had to enter to their regular music and visuals. And then it was time for the ladder match to determine who would be the, um, monarch of the monarchy.
Folks, this was a family fight for the ages. And we thought it was bad when Uncle Mike and Grandpa Ed started throwing hands at the Labor Day cookout! That was nothing compared to The Monarchy absolutely abusing each other: BMT took two separate shots to the crown jewels, once with a ladder and once with the top rope. BMT superplexed his wife into two ladders and, while Jamari was climbing the ladder, leapt from the top rope and felled the pretender to the throne with a cutter ten feet in the air! It was wild, wild stuff. Ultimately Ariel was able to climb the ladder, seize the crown, and take control of the monarchy!
We cut to backstage, where a toucan-sweatered Bakabella in gray wig told Armani Kayos that Kayos no longer needed him because he had become his own hype man. He said he would not be physically in Kayos’ corner but would always be backing him.
Then Mr. Bacon entered, this time without the signature white t-shirt under his sweater vest. He was greeted by two young fans who clearly relished the opportunity to flip off a teacher. Then he grabbed some folding chairs, and set them up on the entrance ramp for reasons known only to himself. Milo Mirra entered and was undeterred by the makeshift barricade, pogoing over it with ease. This match seemed to feature the Chaotic debut of a new, female-presenting referee. Or else Brendan Paul has significantly improved his appearance!
The competitors went after each other before the bell could even ring, and we were three minutes into the match before Mirra even got an opportunity to remove his white denim vest, and it was several more minutes before Mr. Bacon got to remove his sweater vest! The match featured the strength and rage of Mr. Bacon versus the acrobatics and rage of Milo Mirra, and was ultimately decided by Mr. Bacon trying to stab Mirra with the purloined pogo stick, only to have the prop spring back and knock him in the jaw, allowing Mirra to get the pin and retain the championship!
Next up, the undeniable DJ Powers, who entered with Livyah. The reunited couple were sporting each other’s t-shirts, which was the first wholesome thing we’ve ever observed from them. Shannon Levangie then came out in street clothes, mic in hand, accompanied by Paris Van Dale, attired in what appeared to be dominatrix gear. (We would just like it known that when the inevitable Sharis fanfic drops on AO3, we are not its author! Our username is Chaoticfan42069!) Shannon announced that she was giving Paris a gift and that Paris would defend the championship for her. The match began with some characteristic Powers/Livyah tonsil hockey, but this was the last sign of affection we’d see until the end. Which came after Paris ducked out of the corner as DJ was charging into it, causing DJ to flatten his girlfriend! Paris somersaulted out of the ring and onto the amorous couple, and quickly tossed Powers back into the ring and pinned him!
Rich Palladino then informed us of upcoming events, but was interrupted by the surprise entrance of Jose Zamora, who was gripping his selfie stick in particularly phallic phashion. (Unsolicited advice: not sure you want that part of your anatomy to be referred to as your “selfie stick.”) Zamora spoke in Spanish, then said he’d forgotten he was in Lowell, where people don’t speak multiple languages. (Has he ever been to Lowell? You can roast that community for any number of things, but not for being monolingual.) He then announced that he has a fancy new 360 degree camera. The crowd was not particularly excited about Zamora’s new toy, and this was before he insulted a child and said something about a “puta,” which we’re pretty sure means “my very good friend,” in Spanish. We’re gonna go try it at the bodega down the street!
Next up, a fatal four way match for the tag team championship, which we guess makes it a fatal 8-way? Kalvin Dumont and Godrick entered sporting matching t-shirts with both of their pictures on them to the strains of a cover of 4 Non Blonde’s “What’s Up.” (Did the world need a cover of that song? We would argue it did not, but we looked it up and there are literally dozens. Are we so out of touch? No! It’s the children who are wrong!) Next up the Breadwinners, with Patrick Wheatman clutching his signature energy drink and provoking the question of where the line is between seeking an endorsement deal and providing free advertising to a billion dollar corporation. Apparently it was beauty before age, as the Unit entered next! Finally, The Vegan Society entered to the strains of Zep’s “Kashmir,” though we fear it may actually be the version that appears in the Puff Daddy song from the 1998 Godzilla movie.
The match featured some amazing action both in and out of the ring, and the new ref quickly lost track of which competitors were legal, proving she fits right in with the Chaotic officiating crew! No team was really able to grab the upper hand for long, but the outcome of the match was sealed when Tofu Block rolled up Danny Miles, getting an illegal assist from Keegan outside the ring, thus allowing the Vegan Society to retain the title. After the match, the Unit stayed in the ring and JT Dunn announced that he and Miles were tired and were choosing to retire from pro wrestling. He got the crowd to chant for Miles, both men donned their Unit jackets for one last time, and then they removed the jackets and Dunn honored Danny Miles’ long career with a knee to the groin! Godrick and Dumont abused Miles for a while, but surely no physical punishment they could dish out could hurt as much as Dunn’s betrayal!
It seems like the Unit is no more, but we can’t imagine Danny Miles is going to retire without exacting some violent vengeance.
Next up we got a hype video detailing the long and violent rivalry between Armani Kayos and Tyree Taylor. Coach Cashew emerged and blew his own whistle (what would Flo Rida say?) and was quickly joined by Tyree Taylor, representing Crown Heights, where we recently got a delicious vegan focaccia breakfast sandwich and a chai latte! (It occurs to us that repping Brooklyn perhaps no longer connotes toughness the way it once did.) Kayos then came out, hoisting the Skinnyweight Championship belt over his head and wearing a fabulous purple, black, and gold ensemble.
In the early going, Taylor abused Kayos, flattening him with his entire live 305 pounds and then covering his head with the ring apron and pummeling him. Coach Cashew sneered and cheered, and Taylor dropped a Black Panther reference, pointing at the prone Kayos and asking the Chaotic Faithful, “Is this your king?” It looked like Kayos had no answer for Taylor’s size and strength, but then Kayos became the first Chaotic competitor to escape the Crown Heights Claw and managed some effective offense, and the competitors exchanged 2-count pin attempts, with each exhausted competitor clearly wondering what they had to do to subdue the other one. Kayos got Taylor in the Rings of Saturn submission hold, and Coach Cashew threw in the towel! Taylor was, to put it mildly, displeased with his cornerman.
And then it was time for the titular main event! Thirty competitors were to enter the ring at timed intervals, with the last wrestler not thrown over the top rope earning a shot at the skinnyweight championship! The match began with old enemy Richard Holliday facing off against Cash Money McGuinness, who certainly showed no signs of being intimidated by this bigger, stronger, more experienced, and moister opponent. They were followed by Godrick, Omar La Casa (now bringing a hula hoop to the proceedings), and Tofu Block, all of whom fell victim to Holliday’s signature move, until Patrick Wheatman entered, and he and McGuinness eliminated Holliday.
The real boss of Chaotic Wrestling, Candy Lynn, came out and was quickly stopped by Chase Del Monte, who announced that he was going to enter in her place. Candy slapped Chase across the face and he fell into the ring and was instantly eliminated! Perry Von Vicious (but you can call him Agent P!) (Wait, that’s a different Perry) came in to make his Chaotic debut, followed by Kalvin Dumont, Sean Vegan Keegan, and a visibly wincing from ladder-related injuries Prince Jamari. The next entrant was Luke “Soy Boy” Varnas, who quite literally carried the team on his shoulders, saving the Vegan Society from elimination. Next in was Sidney Bakabella in his Andre the Giant singlet, followed by Cole Rutherford, who unexpectedly eliminated Kalvin Dumont!
Dustin Flash Waller was next in, and Bakabella still hadn’t gotten into the ring. DJ Powers, looking less wet and orange than usual, followed and eliminated Bakabella only seconds after Bakabella finally entered the ring. Tony The Big Cheese Navarro and PJ Maguire were the next entrants, followed by Livyah, who leapt into the arms of Powers, who used her first as a weapon and then as a shield. Dump him, girl!
TJ Crawford was next, followed by Milo Mirra, who pogoed up to the ring, launched himself into the air, and flattened everyone in the ring! Dante Drago came in next, and, much to everyone’s relief, he eliminated Powers and Livyah during their 4th makeout session of the match. Mr. Bacon entered and eliminated Mirra, and then PJ Maguire eliminated him! Next up, Paris Van Dale, who traded her black fetish gear for a pink ensemble and then teamed up with former tag team partner Dante Drago. Brian “The Mecca” entered, grabbed the mic, and tried to pump up the entirely one-sided rivalry between Boston and Philadelphia. Mecca kept talking until Tyler Cintron entered. He was followed by Trigga the OG and Coach Cashew, who looked at the proceedings in the ring and then departed before entering. He then brought out Tyree Taylor, competing for yet another shot at the title. Taylor quickly cleaned house, eliminating three competitors before final entrant Brian Fury came on the scene.
Ultimately Brian Fury and Tyree Taylor were the only remaining competitors. Fury eliminated Taylor, but Cashew successfully distracted the refs, provoking the ancient philosophical question: if a wrestler goes over the top rope and no ref sees it, has he actually been eliminated?
Apparently not, as Brooklyn’s heavy hitter wound up eliminating Fury and claiming yet another title shot!
Will Taylor finally be able to claim and rename the Skinnyweight Championship? Will Ariel prove an enlightened despot or go mad with her newfound power? Will Danny Miles and his barbed wire wrapped crutch deliver payback to JT Dunn? Will Livyah and DJ Powers manage to keep their mouths off each other for the length of an entire match? We’ll get some answers on the 24th in Watertown! See you there!
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