Chaotic: Under Siege
The Octagon! Terrible 1980 movie starring Lee Van Cleef and Chuck Norris! Also where MMA fights occur! Also, inexplicably, the shape of the ballroom at the Irish American Club in Malden, MA! (Fear not, Chaotic Faithful: all the action was in the squared circle! And sometimes at ringside! And a little bit in the crowd!)
We kicked off with The Mecca, Brian Johnson, who we haven’t seen in many long months, asserting that he should have a right to a title shot because reasons. Also, like many Philadelphians, he tried to stoke an inter-city rivalry with Boston that remains entirely one-sided. He even called us Massachusetts morons, which was disrespectful, as we obviously identify as Massholes. He wound up his initial tirade with a Veruca Salt imitation, saying, “I want my shot at the heavyweight championship, and I want it now!”
Coach Cashew emerged, metal briefcase in hand, and told Mecca that if anyone was going to get a title shot, it was Tyree Taylor, because Cashew had the contract right inside the briefcase! After a little more jawing, Armani Kayos’ music hit and he….did not enter the ring! Coach Cashew blew his whistle, and a barely conscious Armani Kayos was tossed out from behind the curtain, followed by Tyree Taylor! Taylor managed to maneuver Kayos’ body into the ring, Weekend at Bernie’s style, and applied the Crown Heights Claw to his inert form to claim the skinnyweight championship, which he appropriately demanded be changed to the heavyweight championship. Rich Palladino complied, but it still says Skinnyweight Championship on the belt, so…
The Chaotic Faithful were still in a state of stunned disbelief when the next match started: a tag team match featuring crowd favorites The Breadwinners vs. The Boys Formerly Known as Shooter, aka, B3, even though once again there were only two of them. (Sure, B3cca would emerge later, but this match was only 0.6666B.) Both young teams gave it their all in a fast-paced match—the action was so tough that Anthony Vecchio wound up with his pockets turned inside out! (Why do his wrestling pants even have pockets? Does he think he’s going to get carded on his way into the ring?) Cash McGuinness wound up pinning Vecchio, and the Breadwinners prevailed. They then prevailed on referee Brendan Paul (Not Brandon, as some loud members of the crowd kept referring to him) to do their little foot-shuffling, crotch grabbing pose! Paul was cheered loudly, surely a novel and enjoyable experience for the perpetually distracted referee!
Next up we had José Zamora vs. Anthony “The Big Cheese” Navarro, whose brother was at ringside wearing a shirt that read “My brother is da Big Cheese, but I’m da Little Cheddar.” While The Cheese has historically been serving “Nic Cage in Moonstruck” Italian-American, this time he gave more of a “Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver” Italian-American. He was all business as he attacked Zamora, clearly tired of Zamora bedeviling him over the last few events. Zamora, in his first Chaotic match post-injury, somehow managed to break his own camera. Fortunately for his dozens of followers (we kid! We looked it up and he actually has over 50K!), Zamora managed to fix his camera. He also had time to berate the crowd in Spanish! Sadly for The Big Cheese, his rage and Zamora’s divided attention were not enough to bring him victory. Zamora grabbed his camera and ran, and hi ho the derry-o, the Cheese stood alone, consoled by the cheers of the Chaotic crowd.
Next up, a New England Championship match! Champ Milo Mirra announced that he’d been given the opportunity to choose his own opponent, and he picked Jacob Axton because they were trauma bonded when they were in the same cult! (We’re paraphrasing/extrapolating!). Axton gave Mirra a hell of a fight, earning several two counts that he might have turned into 3 counts if he hadn’t engaged in so much performative seething. (That’s Tyree Taylor’s gimmick anyway!). Ultimately the wily veteran scouted Axton’s moonsault, and when the challenger writhed in pain after hitting the mat instead of his opponent, Mirra pulled off a corkscrew moonsault of his own and pinned Axton to retain the championship, his third pogo-free title defense!
Next we got a promo from Mr. Bacon, livestreaming from his classroom, where it was unaccountably daytime at 9PM (is his classroom located somewhere in Northern Canada?). After insulting the crowd, Mr. Bacon informed us that he would be taking on Milo Mirra for the New England Championship on August 21st in a “Mr. Bacon’s Classroom Rules” match. So Mirra will no doubt have to leave his phone in a box on Mr. Bacon’s desk and will certainly need a hall pass before using the bathroom! And who knows what else! Will detentions be issued? Will lunch be served, featuring that awful square pizza with nasty canned pears on the side? We’ll have to wait to find out!
Next up, a triple threat match for the Panoptic Championship! First, international pop sensation B3CCA emerged, and we have questions, namely, which nations? And is it a pleasant sensation, or, like, more akin to electroshock? Anyway, B3CCA “sang” her hit “On B3CCA, On God,” in which she boasts of the freshness of her eggs and asserts that she’ll make us wish we had that hot bod. Speaking personally, we feel that having B3CCA’s hot bod would give us significant gender dysphoria, but to each their own!
B3CCA was followed to the ring by Paris Van Dale, and then by champ Shannon Levangie. Would besties Shannon and Paris work together? Or would this title match cause strife in their relationship? Definitely the latter! Some early potential beef was squashed when Paris and Shannon joined their bestie necklaces, reminding each other that they were still friends despite the current circumstances, but their bestie status seemed quite fragile when Shannon broke up Paris’ pin of B3CCA, yelling, “it’s my title!” (Need we remind Shannon that Paris was Chaotic’s longest-reigning Panoptic champion ever?). Shannon ultimately pinned Paris (with an illegal grab of Paris’ tights) and retained the title, but at what cost? Will her relentless ambition prove the undoing of her cherished friendship? Will her cherished friendship prove the undoing of her championship reign? Watch this space! And future Chaotic events, natch!
After intermission, it was time for a Tag Team Championship match featuring champs The Vegan Society vs. The Sin City Shooters (not to be confused with the Shooter Boys, who are now B3, and even refer to themselves as Bam Bam and Bear Bear, which feels strangely unseemly.). The Sin City Shooters (Tyler Cintron and Dak Draper) were not from Lynn, MA, but, rather, from Las Vegas, NV. They emerged with some raw meat on a cookie sheet, presumably to taunt the plant-based champs.
Draper, with his mustache and skintight jeans, was giving “hot firefighter calendar from 1982” until he tore off the breakaway jeans, thus giving “Chippendales dancer from 1982.” (also: is Dak a nickname? If so, for what? ). The Sin City Shooters made good use of their size advantage and looked like they would take the title until they crossed a line and started throwing raw meat around, thus horrifying everyone in the crowd who has worked in food service or who knows anything at all about food safety. (One crowd member was heard to say, in hushed tones, “they really should wipe the ring down after that.”) Thus we could not really be mad when Keegan grabbed the cookie sheet and whacked Dak Draper over the head with it while referee LJ Childress and Tyler Cintron were playing tug of war with an uncooked steak. (Please tell us they washed their hands immediately upon exiting the ring!) Though you can safely handle a tofu block without fear of foodborne illness, the same cannot be said of Tofu Block, who managed to roll up the distracted Cintron, and the Vegan Society retained the championship!
Next up, Brian Fury wanted to say “a few” words. He spoke at length about the struggle he’d been through in his attempt to mount a comeback and how Mortar lived in his head rent free. (our words, but still. Also, how does one charge rent to people who live in one’s head because we have a few who owe us years of back rent!). He then threw shade at Mortar before repeatedly asking Jaleesa where Mortar is. (Surely Chase has Mortar’s address on a W9 somewhere. Could he not get in Chase’s face and say, “Where do you send his 1099-NEC?!”) Fury wound up pushing Jaleesa to the mat, twice (the kind of behavior that got Tyree Taylor warned that he’d be fired if he put his hands on another non-wrestler, we’re just saying), and Chaotic Security, accompanied by Jamari and Omar La Casa, came out and...didn’t really do much! We suppose they stopped the unhinged Fury from venting his, um, fury on Jaleesa any further, but we really wanted to see him chokeslammed, or at least victimized by La Casa’s smooth hip motion, after that display.
Finally, a Fatal 4-way match for the [insert appropriate adjective here]weight Championship! First out was Dijak, accompanied by two of his children, who were so cute as they climbed the ropes and posed for the crowd that we nearly forgot about Dijak’s history of rampant douchery! Then Mecca and Tyree Taylor emerged, and the match got underway despite only having three competitors!
Things took a dark turn when Mecca plucked Dijak’s children from the crowd and set them down in the ring. Dijak fought to keep Mecca away from the traumatized tots, while Taylor looked at them menacingly and Cashew said, “Those kids are in your way. Get ‘em!”
Fortunately The Skinny Legend himself entered at this moment, clotheslining Cashew and whacking the stuffing out of Taylor with a folding chair, allowing the young Dijaks to return to their seats, where their mother was surely already booking them therapy appointments. We thought sure this would spell the end of Taylor’s 2-hour-old championship reign, but Kayos was limping and clutching at his side and couldn’t put Taylor away. Taylor had no such trouble with the dastardly, depleted Mecca, who he pinned to retain the championship!
It certainly felt like evil was ascendant, but the moral arc of the Chaotic universe bends toward justice. Or does it? We’ll have to wait and see!
