Chaotic: Summer of Slams 2!
Another Thursday night in Everett MA—you could go to Target, you could go to the casino, you could stand outside the Teddie Peanut Butter factory hoping for a glimpse of the magical elves who make America’s best peanut butter...or you could go to Night Shift Summer of Slams 2!
Once again the action was inside and Rich Palladino was behind the bar and the broadcast mic, and Jalisa, sporting a pride baseball jersey, was our ring announcer! We began with a little behind the scenes action, as we saw The Breadwinners getting their fake IDs ready to enter the brewery. Patrick Wheatman just presented the bouncer with the little Peanuts-style cartoon cutout of himself he apparently keeps in his pants, while Cash McGuinness presented a photo of a young man grabbing his crotch. They worked! Where was this bouncer when we were in college?(probably not born yet. But we digress) We saw a few of the Chaotic wrestlers sipping some Night Shift beers along with referee LJ Childress (should he be fraternizing with the wrestlers? Won’t that call his impartiality into question?) and, surprisingly, a fight broke out that was only resolved when Shannon Levangie jumped off the bar and flattened everyone else!
The first match of the night was a tag team contest featuring DJ Powers and Livyah vs. The Bratz, aka Paris Van Dale and Shannon Levangie. Powers announced that he and Livyah are officially a couple again (forget Instagram Official—Wrestling Ring Official is how all the cool kids are hard launching their relationships these days!). The Chaotic Faithful booed and advised Livyah that she can do better than the wet-haired, hot-tempered Powers. But she was not taking relationship advice from a bunch of randos, many of whom were two beers deep by this point (and fair play to her), and the match proceeded. If there was concern about dissension in the Bratz’ ranks after Paris cheated at the last event, it was not in evidence tonight. DJ and Livyah shared a long, wet kiss before the match, much to the displeasure of the crowd. (And may we add—girl, is he being affectionate or possessive?) All four wrestlers seemed to be at the top of their game, and it was a tough and even contest. At one point Powers kissed Livyah again before throwing her into a prone Levangie. Ultimately the match was decided after Paris took a shot to the eyes and elbowed Shannon who came to check on her, knocking Shannon flat and allowing Livyah to get the pin.
Next up, a Summer of Slams redemption round triple threat match featuring Channing Thomas vs Trigga the OG vs JT Dunn! Trigga came out first in a fabulous gold brocade blazer with matching suspenders. We might not care for the cheating and the arrogance, but the swag is undeniable. Thomas emerged in his spangled purple and pink Zapp Branigan robe, and Dunn decided not to participate in the swag competition, wearing trunks and a Unit t-shirt. Trigga kicked off the match by throwing his jacket over Dunn’s head and beating on him, which showed appalling disrespect to a fine garment. After this, Trigga showed uncharacteristic respect for the rules, Channing Thomas pulled off a number of impressive moves, including getting out of a pin by rising to a bridge pose, and Dunn ultimately pulled out the win by pinning Trigga.
Next up we got Tyree Taylor’s music, but the first to emerge from the curtain was...Coach Cashew, who announced that his coaching genius is going to help Tyree get to the next level. Cashew announced an open challenge to anyone who had the stupidity to challenge Taylor, and it turned out to be...Kalvin Dumont, who was accompanied to the ring by Godrick. Dumont announced that Taylor was going to get the battle he wanted...against Godrick, who was in street clothes and clearly not aware that he was going to be wrestling. Godrick showed the impressive athleticism that we’ve come to expect from him and fought valiantly against his much bigger and angrier opponent, but he was distracted by Coach Cashew’s whistle at a key moment (and more on Cashew’s whistle later!), allowing Taylor to lock in the Crown Heights Claw, forcing Godrick to tap out.
Next up, a tag team championship match, with The Breadwinners taking on The Vegan Society. With both teams at the top of their games, this was a real barn burner of a match, with The Vegan Society only engaging in some light cheating while referee LJ Childress did his best Brendan Paul imitation and didn’t catch it. McGuinness accidentally knocked LJ Childress out of the ring, Keegan brought out a chair, Wheatman accidentally hit McGuinness with the chair and then whacked the absolute stuffing out of Keegan with it. Unfortunately for the breadwinners, Childress did catch this one, and they were disqualified, allowing the Vegan Society to retain the title!
Next up another triple threat match featuring the winners of the summer of slams first round matches: Sammy Diaz, Mike Skyros, and The Big Cheese. Diaz and Skyros have history and went hard at each other in the early going, but Cheese managed to get in the mix and nearly had Diaz pinned for a 3 count after The Pizza Toss, but Skyros stopped Brendan Paul’s hand from hitting the mat for the three (which brings up some interesting questions about the fine points of the rules—does a count not count unless the ref’s hand slaps the mat?). Diaz quickly took advantage and pinned Cheese for the win!
Next up, making his Chaotic debut, Scottish wrestler Jack Morris (maybe he was in town to watch Scotland’s inevitable first round exit from the World Cup!) versus New England Champ Milo Mirra. Morris called for security to eject a heckler (didn’t happen), swiveled his hips in a way that would surely make Omar La Casa proud, and dominated Mirra for much of the match. Mirra then mounted a spectacular comeback but still couldn’t put the pernicious Scot away. (perhaps Morris was fueled by Irn-Bru, which should probably be a banned substance). Finally the crowd’s chants of P.O.G.O. were answered as Mirra pogoed from the floor into the ring, landing a cross body on Morris and getting the pin shortly thereafter!
The main event was a fatal four way featuring Effy (AKA The Gay Godfather, as we learned later), Daphne Deville, reigning and defending champ Armani Kaos, and surprise guest Coach Cashew, subbing in for Aaron Rourke, who apparently couldn’t get Triple H to let him out of Florida. (Should we contact Amnesty International?). Effy made the unconventional choice to enter to Elton John’s melancholy ballad “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” and sported fishnet stockings in addition to his trunks, and once the match was underway, Cashew showed a positively Dumont-esque reluctance to actually get in the ring and wrestle, and when he finally entered the ring, he got his visor knocked off by some vicious head shots from the other competitors. Effy then dominated both Kayos and Deville but then got distracted by Cashew standing on the ring apron and blowing his whistle. Effy quickly grabbed Cashew by the whistle, and the following exhange took place:
Effy: I’m gonna blow your whistle.
Chaotic Faithful: Blow it! Blow it!
Cashew: No! Don’t blow my whistle!
Effy: What are you afraid of?
Cashew: Afraid I might like it!
So, yeah. That happened! And then Daphne knocked Cashew off the apron. When he returned, he tried to throw his white polo shirt over Daphne’s head, which showed appropriate disrespect for the garment, but Daphne wound up abusing and eliminating him. Cashew came back to interfere in the match, allowing Effy to pin Daphne. Daphne left the ring and chased Cashew into the back, saying, “Don’t you wanna play with me?” Referee Brendan Paul acceeded to the crowd’s wishes and blew Cashew’s whistle, which Effy had somehow gotten custody of, and then it was an all-out battle between Effy and Kayos which involved a slap fight and some nipple twists and culminated in Kayos flying from the top rope to get the pin and retain the championship!
Effy grabbed the mic to praise Chaotic for hosting him and Daphne and for being a welcoming home for queer wrestlers and Kayos and Daphne for being unapologetically themselves. “The future of wrestling is queer!” Even our cold, cynical hearts were moved by Effy’s speech, and we were proud to be affiliated, even in this small way, with a promotion that is actively defying the current cultural climate and proclaiming itself to be a home for everyone who loves wrestling. Happy Pride, everybody!
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