Chaotic: Summer of Slams 4
Some celebrate the end of summer by picking at the leavings of departing college students on Allston Christmas. Others mark the end of summer with one last trip to the beach, the mountains, or the lake. But Chaotic Nation descended once more upon Everett Massachusetts for Summer of Slams 4!
Rich Palladino, the hardest working man in show business, was doing double duty behind the broadcast mic and in the ring, and he welcomed us to Everett where the first match featured former Skinnyweight Champion Armani Kayos versus a mystery opponent of Coach Cashew’s choice!
Kayos entered on a little electric scooter with a carry-on bag for a seat and zoomed around the ring, adding inexplicable but very welcome whimsy to the event, and then Cashew emerged and explained the match: if Cashew’s champion won the match, Kayos would take a year-long off-season, but if Kayos won, he’d get a rematch for the championship with a stipulation of his choice! Stakes were high and so was the guy next to us who was covertly hitting his vape pen!
Cashew said that his chosen champion would not be “any lowlife from this town” and was, rather, Philadelphia’s Vinnie Talotta. The match was tougher than a Philadelphia “soft” pretzel bought from a hot dog cart, but Armani pulled out the win and announced two stipulations for his championship match against Tyree Taylor at Summer Chaos (or should we say Summer Kayos?): falls count anywhere, and Cashew is banned from the venue, thus ensuring that he can’t interfere, and significantly reducing the doucheiness quotient at the show!
Next up, a tag team match featuring the Chaotic OGs vs. The Bratz, who have apparently mended fences since their dispute at the last show! It was a tough match featuring Chase, er, creatively interpreting the rules, Trigga bragging about his pimp hand, and both Shannon and Trigga accidentally kicking their own partners in the head! After Paris accidentally clotheslined Shannon, Trigga went up to the top rope, but Chase tagged himself in and took the pin before Trigga could fly! As the Bratz left the ring, the OGs had words with each other, culminating in Trigga shoving Chase! Let’s just say neither team looks incredibly cohesive at this point.
Next up, The Latino Reel Jose Zamora emerged, clutching his 360-degree camera as usual and asking for silence for his recording as usual after he magnetically attached his camera to the ring post. His opponent Kalvin Dumont emerged, clutching a broom he pretended was a 360-degree camera, which he then duct taped to the opposite corner of the ring. Zamora could not brook such disrespect and immediately went after the offending cleaning implement as soon as the bell rang, decapitating the defenseless broom! But Zamora then pulled off what was previously unthinkable: getting the Chaotic Faithful to loudly cheer for Kalvin Dumont!
Dumont acquitted himself well, to the point where it looked like Zamora was going to take his camera and go home. But Dumont snatched the camera away from Zamora and played keep away with it which had the benefit of making Zamora look comical but had the unintended side effect of reigniting Zamora’s competitive fire. The camera snatch proved a Pyrrhic victory for Dumont, as Zamora managed to take the win, but not before the handle of his camera got bent. So maybe it was a Pyrrhic victory for him as well!
Next up, a six-man tag team match featuring Hellfire McGuire, RULLO, and Devious Cass, who we were not familiar with, versus The Breadwinners with Omar La Casa, who had a fresh pair of spangled jeans for the occasion. Hellfire McGuire, sporting a leather jacket with blue feathers on the shoulders, spoke of himself in the third person, proclaimed himself “The Flamingo in Flight,” (does he know flamingos have pink feathers?) called Everett a toilet, and told us that RULLO enjoys feeling pain as much as he enjoys dealing it, which felt perhaps a little too personal to proclaim to a crowd of strangers, but we’re not here to kink shame. He also said that he would eat his spangled shoes if his team lost the match. Despite some impressive acrobatics from RULLO, who also managed to ignore the “Pete Wentz!” taunts from the crowd, the Breadwinners and La Casa got the win!
Much to our disappointment, Hellfire McGuire did not even attempt to eat his shoes. Does no one value their word in this broken world of ours? McGuinness took the mic and predicted a Breadwinners victory vs. the Vegan Society but was interrupted by Tofu Block, who came out to disagree with McGuiness’ prediction but was informed by McGuinness that he should worry about tonight and not what happens in two weeks.
Milo Mirra’s music hit, and the recently dethroned New England Champ came out to fight Tofu Block! Mirra got in Tofu Block’s head by stealing a bunch of fish-related moves that Tofu Block did when he was known as Seabass Finn! Would mockery succeed at getting Tofu Block out from under Keegan’s plant-based influence and bring us back Seabass Finn? No! But it did really make Tofu Block mad, and that was entertaining as hell! Unfortunately for Mirra, it was not enough to bring him a victory, as Tofu Block distracted the normally laser-focused Brendan Paul and kicked Mirra right in the P.O.G.O., thus allowing him to get the pin and the win!
Next up, the Summer of Slams final, in which the winner would go on to face Mr. Bacon for the New England championship! It was Anthony Navarro, The Big Cheese, who won the right to take JT Dunn’s slot after Dunn’s suspension, vs. Sammy Diaz! Diaz dominated most of the match but ultimately lost after some an ethically questionable tights grab by The Cheese helped him secure the pin and put Diaz away! Has Navarro exchanged his soul for wrestling success? We’ll find out when he takes on Mr. Bacon for the New England Championship at Summer Chaos!
Next up, Brian Fury emerged, demanding an answer to the challenge he tried to deliver to Mortar’s home before the cops were called! Jaleesa emerged, Fury said his patience was growing as thin as his hair (okay, fine, we added the hair part) and he demanded an answer. Jaleesa said she didn’t have one. “But he does,” she said, and the lights went out. We then got a video featuring Mortar painting X’s on photos of all the wrestlers he’s defeated: Ricky Smokes. Richard Holliday. Ivar. Chase Del Monte. Donovan Dijak. He then moved a picture of Brian Fury to reveal the words “I Accept” painted on the table below. And then he poured the excess paint over Fury’s picture. Fury, having come to Everett demanding an answer, was enraged at getting one, and isn’t that just the human condition? Anyway, he put his hands on Jaleesa again. Chaotic security arrived to intervene, and Fury dispatched them all quickly, tossing one into Jaleesa’s midsection and sending her to the mat clutching her abdomen! Referee Brendan Paul then entered the ring to plead for Fury to show some restraint, and he and Pat Matthews helped Jaleesa to the back.
The main event brought old friend (speaking parasocially, of course) Anthony Greene, who traveled all the way from Dangertown USA, or as we call it around here, Manchester-By-The Sea,(kidding!) taking on Tyree Taylor for the Heavyweight Championship, which is currently still represented by the Skinnyweight Championship belt with some tape over “skinny” with the word “heavy” scrawled on it in Sharpie.
Greene spent the early part of the match running into the ropes and throwing shoulders at the champ, who kept his feet even after a dozen or so collisions! Coach Cashew interfered in the match, and Brendan Paul must have gotten new contacts because he saw Cashew’s chicanery and ordered him away from ringside!
Eventually the action spilled out of the ring and then over the barricade. The fans scattered as the two competitors fought it out in the area formerly known as seating. The excursion culminated in Greene jumping from the roof of the shipping container/bar behind the seats and onto Taylor! Sadly, Greene’s crowd-pleasing, death-defying acrobatics failed to bear championship fruit, though perhaps the fact that Taylor won by pinfall rather than Crown Heights Claw-fueled submission could be seen as a moral victory.
Will Mortar make Fury pay for abusing Jaleesa? Will the Breadwinners ever be able to overcome the Vegan Society? Will Armani Kayos regain the Championship and remove the tape over the word Skinny? We’ll find out next time in Lowell! (City motto: At Least We’re Not Lawrence!)
