Chaotic: Summer of Slams I
Summer of Slams kicked off at Night Shift Brewing in appropriately chaotic fashion: rain drove the event inside, Rich Palladino was behind the bar filling in for Julian Starr on the broadcast mic WITH NO BOWTIE ON, and Jalisa was in the ring announcing matches.
The first of which was a chaotic challenge match featuring Channing Thomas, sporting an extremely short bedazzled velour robe that would surely make Zapp Branigan proud, vs. The Big Cheese.The match kicked off with an impromptu cartwheel contest in which both comptetitors sucessfully did a cartwheel while demonstrating that neither of them is exactly Jack Cartwheel. The match was just as even as the cartwheel contest, and it really looked like it was anyone’s match right up to the end when the Big Cheese put Thomas away with the pizza toss!
Next up Prince Jamari (who was announced as representing House Monarchy despite last week’s match vs. King BMT) versus Tyree Taylor, who was announced at more than twice Jamari’s weight. Tyree started the match by offering Jamari an opportunity to run for his life, and Jamari unwisely declined. Jamari’s courage and speed were impressive, but physics simply weren’t on his side. He flew from the top rope, and rather than flattening Taylor, he was caught mid-air, military pressed, and tossed like a loaf of bread. The match continued in this fashion until Taylor unveiled the Crown Heights Claw and got Jamari to tap out.
Next up, Ariel emerged with BMT in a t-shirt and baseball cap, grabbed the mic, and announced that BMT needed to bend the knee for his queen because she was in charge now. This was starting to feel a little like an unneeded glimpse into the monarchy’s marital intimacy, and BMT reading an apology proclaiming himself “the king of all things premature” did nothing to dispel this impression. Fortunately Shannon Levangie came out to defend her Panoptic Championship against Ariel. Paris Van Dale accompanied Shannon to the ring, perhaps to thwart whatever chicanery BMT was planning at ringside. Sadly, when BMT grabbed Shannon’s foot, all Paris did was appeal to referee Brendan Paul for relief. Not clear why she thought that would work: has she ever seen a Chaotic show? Later BMT tried to get Ariel to use the Panoptic belt as a weapon and Paris did go after him, after which he ran into the ring and earned himself a DDT from Shannon! Shortly thereafter Shannon got the win with the roundhouse splash and a contrite BMT followed Ariel up the ramp on his knees.
Next up: Trigga the OG in his OG versus Mike Skyros, the Moonlight Son, whose black and white makeup seemed an homage to Sting, or perhaps King Diamond. Trigga got abused and quickly called for a timeout. Not sure why he thought that would work: has he ever seen a Chaotic show? Trigga managed to recover, and the match featured a number of momentum shifts including Trigga escaping from two submission holds, but Trigga eventually got pinned and Skyros advanced to the next tround of the tournament. Trigga left the ring nearly in tears as two young fans taunted him mercilessly.
Next up, Kalvin Dumont and Godrick vs. The Breadwinners! The match featured agility, athleticism, confusion as to who was the legal man, and a disappointing lack of cheating from Dumont! The Vegan Society was watching from ringside and Tofu Block, beer in hand (beer is almost always vegan, FYI, unless it’s sweetened with lactose), jawed at the competitors but did not interfere in the match. For a while. Though Godrick wore tights with Dumont’s name on them, he and Dumont weren’t exactly in sync and wound up mistakenly attacking each other on several occasions, but they were helped out by Tofu Block powerbombing Wheatman behind the back of eagle-eyed ref Brendan Paul, and with the illegal assist, Godrick pinned Wheatman for the win!
Next up, a battle of two champions (yay!) with no title on the line (boo!) as New England Champ Milo Mirra took on Skinnyweight Champ Armani Kayos. Sidney Bakabella accompanied Kayos to the ring, retaining his Ugly Sweater championship (oh, you have an ugly sweater day in December at work? You’re not even in the same league as Sidney Bakabella. He has ascended to a completely different ugly sweater plane.). Longtime Chaotic fans may remember that Kayos and Mirra were a tag team—the pre-Arcturus GGC—so it was fun to see them sharing a ring again. It was also fun to watch the flips, the slams, the jumps off the bottom ropes, and...Tyree Taylor? Taylor stood at ringside, arms folded, and seemed to be coaching Mirra, but he was unusually well behaved as he did not throw anyone in a truck or attempt to set anyone on fire. The competitors traded pins and were both looking exhausted, but ultimately Kayos was able to secure the win!
The main event was the final first round match of the Summer of Slams tournament, featuring JT Dunn vs. newcomer (to Chaotic) Sammy Diaz from Hartford, Connecticut! (City motto: The Reason Your Healthcare is So Expensive!) It was a tough match that was ultimately decided by underhanded tactics, as Diaz grabbed a chair while the ever-vigilant Brendan Paul’s back was turned, then handed it to Dunn and hit the mat. Diaz then took advantage of the ensuing confusion (well, to be fair, most of the confusion was Brendan Paul’s) to pin JT Dunn.
So Dunn was out of the running for the New England Championship belt, but he was still able to get a microphone! He pulled up a chair in front of some enthusiastic young fans, one of whom had been brave/foolish enough to get in Tyree Taylor’s face earlier! Well, he would have gotten in Tyree Taylor’s face if he were about 18 inches taller, but you get the idea. Dunn talked about the match and made a pact with one of the youngsters that they would both work hard and not take shortcuts. Geez, JT, what if the kid had wanted to be President?
The first Summer of Slams was in the books, but there are no fewer than nine more Chaotic events this summer! Rest up, folks! Next one’s on Friday June 5th in Lawrence!
