Chaotic Wrestling: Deuces Wild!
We opened backstage: Kalvin Dumont was on the phone telling someone he wants to make sure they’re present when he wins his next belt. He got mad when they told him they’ weren’t sure. Then The Monarchy entered, with King BMT and Prince Jamari arguing about who was supposed to get Queen Ariel coffee. Godrick popped up from behind the coat check counter and asks if they’ve seen Arcturus. The Monarchy said they hadn’t (has anyone? Is he okay?), and Godrick asked if he could join the Monarchy, to which the three members of the Monarchy responded with a resounding “No!” in unison. Rich Palladino, looking smart in his Chaotic track jacket, said it was just another day at the office, and, of course, “let the chaos begin!”
Back in the ring, Rich was in his usual tuxedo, and he announced The Big Cheese, who emerged in a white tracksuit followed quickly by Mr. Bacon. All they needed was The Breadwinners and an egg and they’d have had a nice breakfast sandwich! Mr. Bacon asked for quiet and the crowd did not comply, so he menaced them with a chair, just like Mr. Glaser did to us in 5th grade math! Mr. Bacon tried to choke the Cheese with his sweater vest and, when a series of suplexes were not enough to melt the Cheese, Bacon gouged his eyes, just like Mrs. Barensfeld used to do to us in 11th grade Chemistry, and won the match!
We then saw a promo with Shannon Levangie promising to help get Paris Van Dale ring ready by putting her through “Shan-optic boot camp.” Let’s hope it goes better than Paris’s attempted makeover of Shannon from last time!
Rich Palladino announced the Chaotic OG’s, and Chase Del Monte grabbed the mic and berated the crowd for being filthy potty mouths (the crowd had been advising Chase to stop talking, albeit in far more profane terms), then announced that the upcoming shows at Night Shift Brewing will feature the Chaotic Challenge, in which three top New England talents will compete against three top Chaotic wrestlers, with the winner of the tournament getting a skinnyweight title shot. Chase was in the midst of announcing that Trigga would be one of the Chaotic entrants to the tournament when he was interrupted by the arrival of Ichiban, who was apparently only able to say “Ichiban” and “Number One.” He was quickly followed by the arrival of Omar La Casa, who pronounced his intention to “make it a party.” Chase asked why he should allow La Casa in this match, and La Casa said, “because I can do this” before swiveling his hips in admittedly impressive fashion. Chase conceded the point, and a triple threat match for the first spot in the tournament began! Trigga brought the size and strength, Ichiban brought the speed and agility, and La Casa brought the hips, which he used to perform a couple of nonconsensual lap dances, and it was a very even and exciting match! Trigga was getting the worst of it, with both La Casa and Ichiban appearing to focus their energies primarily on him.
But Trigga had a not-so-secret weapon as Chase Del Monte came back to ringside after a brief absence and then kicked La Casa in the face, allowing Trigga to claim the victory and the spot in the Chaotic Challenge Tournament!
Back to Shannon and Paris, who were in a gym giving us an 80’s movie training montage that involved a lot of Shannon screaming at Paris through a tiny megaphone.
A tag team match between The Unit and The Monarchy was scheduled next, but then the always jolly Tyree Taylor came out and took the mic from Rich Palladino. As the crowd chanted “Yankees Suck” to the Brooklyn native, Tyree called out Armani Kayos. Kayos did not emerge from the curtain, but his manager Sidney Bakabella did. He announced that Armani was attacked earlier in the day and is at Lowell General Hospital with a concussion and that he had video of what happened. (He also had another in his apparently infinite collection of hideous sweaters, and we were impressed!)
We then saw the video of Tyree Taylor emerging from a car only slightly bigger than himself and depositing an unconscious Kayos into the back of the Chaotic truck. Taylor then asked Bakabella to replace Kayos in the championship match. Bakabella then announced that Taylor’s shenanigans had cost him the title shot and gave him the Willy Wonka “Good day, sir!”
And then we got the tag team match between The Unit and The Monarchy! BMT seemed annoyed by Prince Jamari’s presence. And then he got more annoyed when JT Dunn took a sign from the crowd that read “TURD,” and the crowd chanted “turd” at BMT. BMT seemed to be off his game in the early action, at one point tripping over the ropes as he entered the ring, but Jamari acquitted himself very well until BMT tagged back in and got absolutely brutalized by JT Dunn. The pattern continued, with Jamari carrying the team and BMT filling the “dead weight” role. Ultimately the tension in the monarchy came to a head when BMT shoved Ariel away when she tried to tend to the apparently injured Jamari. Ariel left in disgust, BMT and Jamari shoved each other, Jamari’s nemesis The Easter Bunny appeared in the crowd, and BMT chased the Bunny out of the Elks Club, leaving Jamari alone with the Unit, who quickly pinned him for the win!
After intermission, there was a kiddie pool in the ring with slices of bread inside and a cutout of Patrick Wheatman done in Charles Schultz style peeking out, and the Breadwinners came out to...complain about the price of Legos. Godrick took the opportunity to pass out “Missing: Arcturus” fliers to the crowd. Then he asked to join The Breadwinners, who informed him he could join up if he beat them in a two-on-one match. Godrick sprang into violent action immediately and acquitted himself well but couldn’t beat The Breadwinners all alone and wound up pinned in a kiddie pool full of bread.
Back to the Shan-Optic bootcamp where Paris got a certificate of completion and Shannon announced that Chaotic nation is ready for The Brats. (We believe this is Brats with an ‘s’, which is their their tag team or possibly faction and not Bratz with a ‘z’, those creepy dolls from the early 2000s. At least we hope so. Nay, we pray so!)
Rich shouted out Jay who was having his bachelor party at ringside (and let us also take this opportunity to shout out Jay for having a wholesome bachelor party with no creepy misogyny!) and then it was time for a New England Championship match, with Kalvin Dumont hoping to claim the title from Milo Mirra. While Mirra abused Dumont outside the ring, Coach Cashew came out, clipboard in hand, to do some scouting, or perhaps he was collecting signatures for a ballot question! Dumont did less preening and boasting than usual, and perhaps this was what allowed him to enjoy some success against the defending champ. Each competitor managed some impressive moves and near pins, and even Dumont’s use of the reliable thumbs to the eyes maneuver couldn’t finish off Mirra. Dumont tried to use Mirra’s pogo stick, but was thwarted by referee LJ Childress, who had no problem with Mirra using the self same stick to put Dumont away!
The night concluded with a Tag Team Championship match as Starstruck took on the defending champs The Vegan Society, who were without their toady/accomplice Soy Boy Luke Varnas to perform dirty tricks at ringside. To their credit, The Vegan Society managed a number of dirty tricks without Varnas’ assistance, calling on the old “distract the ref and brutalize your opponent while the ref’s back is turned” trick several times. And then Keegan grabbed the belt in hopes of using it as a weapon, but he was thwarted by The Breadwinners, who ran out to stand up for fair play! Unfortunately for fair play and, more importantly, Starstruck, there were two belts, and Keegan was able to use the remaining belt for nefarious purposes, allowing The Vegan Society to retain the championship!
Will Arcturus ever be located? Will Tofu Block ever be the SOB of the 603 again? Will Tyree Taylor take his seemingly limitless rage out on Rich Palladino? We’ll find out in Watertown on May 1!
