Northern Wrestling Federation: 4/11/26

What to do when you find yourself in another city with a free weekend evening on your hands?

Find a wrestling show, of course! Twelve dollars got us into a Northern Wrestling Federation show in Fairfield, OH in a big shed that typically hosts cheer and dance team practices. Bonus: this meant our seats were on some sort of springy surface that is apparently part of cheerleading training and which was very fun to walk on!

The night opened with a 'dark' match, though why one has such a match at an event that's not being televised remained a mystery. In said match, Beans (pictured above) took on Kris Demise. Demise had one of those guns that shoots fake money and makes it rain, which fit with his gimmick. Beans had a Rock Band guitar controller for reasons that were not entirely clear. Neither prop was broken over anyone's head, much to our disappointment, and Demise made quick work of crowd favorite Beans.

The opening match featured a masked, cloaked figure called The Warlock, announced as being from Salem, MA (I was not able to buttonhole him to discuss Greater Boston, sadly) taking on Luke Larson, who, despite being from Luckenbach, Texas, was not accompanied by Waylon, Willie, or the boys. Though Waylon has been dead for 24 years, so at this point it would make more sense if he accompanied The Warlock. Though Luke Larson brought a cowbell on a length of rope to the match, it never got put to use, as he put the Warlock down with three successive clotheslines.

Next up was a trios match featuring The Axis of Power, who looked very much like the kind of guys who used to shout homophobic slurs at us in our teen years in the Eastgate Mall parking lot (if you know, you know). One of them unaccountably waved an Australian flag, because if there's one thing that intimidates the hell out of an opponent, it's that. Your opponent might think you'll turn into a mermaid if you get wet! Or that you are Mel Gibson! Terrifying!

The Axis of Power took on, um, three guys whose names we didn't catch because the crowd was cheering loudly and also the NWF's PA system did not exactly have stellar sound quality. Anyway, the crowd's loud support couldn't carry the good guys to victory, especially with the Axis of Power cheating like CRAZY.

Shoutout to the refs of wrestling, who certainly do miss a whole lot of cheating while their backs are turned, and who spend most of the match going, "Come on, guys, don't do that." Reminds me of my days as a high school teacher!

Next up, we had Royal Russel, King Nasty vs Pennsylvania Smith, who really should have been carrying a whip and wearing a fedora with the "State+Generic Last Name" moniker if you ask us, but nobody did. King Nasty lost, then grabbed the mic to insist he had never lost a match. Someone who thinks he's a king insisting that he didn't lose something everyone knows he lost....seems familiar...well, maybe it'll come to me. Anyway, Smith graciously granted a rematch to the defeated monarchist--a submission match in an upcoming event!

Then we got a tag team match, with The Gruesome Twosome entering to Salt N' Pepa's "Shoop" and the other team, featuring The Swinger and Jager Wood (we're not writing the joke. You can probably fill it in yourself) came out to the Eagles of Death Metal's "Cherry Cola." It was extremely difficult to know which team to root for based on this, but when The Swinger (who sported a truly amazing fu manchu mustache) (is there a name for this style that doesn't reference racist adventure novels from the 1920's?) removed his shirt to reveal a one-piece bathing suit which was definitely not cut for someone with external genitalia, our choice was made! And clearly made the difference in carrying Swinger and Wood to victory!

We then got crowd fave Denver Drake vs. Dakota Wolf. It was a tough match, with the competitors pretty evenly matched until Pompano Joe, Everybody's Homie (we have never met Pompano Joe and are not convinced we want to, so perhaps not everybody's homie) came out to interfere on behalf of Wolf! Drake was spittin' mad, but the ref, uncharacteristically, saw nothing, and the result stood.

Then it was time for Pompano Joe, sporting leggings with what appeared to be a cartoon of himself done in Rugrats style, or possibly they were really just Stu Pickles pajamas, versus AJ Vest, who inexplicably did not wear a vest. Denver Drake got his revenge, coming out to interfere on behalf of Vest, and Pompano Joe lost! Afterwards, a brawl broke out, and Drake and Joe had to be pulled apart several times as Drake appeared to be, as the young folks say, crashing out.

The two adversaries were booked for a match 24 hours later, and Vest kept reminding Drake of that fact as he tried to calm his friend down.

There's only one thing to do after a brawl like that--intermission! We visited the merch table and found most of the shirts to have what looked like those iron-on transfers from the 70's that fade and crackle after two washings, but perhaps iron on transfer technology has evolved. We did, however, buy some tickets for the 50/50 raffle!

Next up, bejeweled sunglass-wearing diva Riley Matthews came out to jaw about...something. Apparently she was still salty about losing a mixed-gender tag team match in a previous event, and said, "she's back behind the merch table where she belongs," which was a wonderfully vicious diss that would have hit harder if we knew who she was talking about. She was interrupted by Safari Hawkins, clad in a white-tiger-striped body suit (perhaps in homage to the Cincinnati Zoo's white tigers?), who jawed at her but refused Matthews' invitation to put her money where her mouth was in the ring, which meant we got absolutely zero women's wrestling action in the entire event.

James Cross entered, accompanied by The Axis of Power, and Cross grabbed the mic and quickly revealed himself to be a villain so queer-coded as to make Lion King directors Roger Allers and Rob Minkoff go, "Maybe that's a little much." He fought DC, who inexplicably entered with a towel over his head (perhaps he had some congestion and was taking a steam treatment!). The Axis of Power were removed from ringside, but Cross found a path to victory even without making it a 4-on-1 match!

The Tag team championship was on the line as champs The Vessels, Pitcher and Carafe (kidding kidding: it was Crazy Carl and Coby Cain) versus Beck Reeves and Gunner Graves. The champs, perhaps powered by Cain's fetish gear, got the victory!

Finally it was time for the heavyweight championship with Alex Hayden "the Kingpin," who only wishes he had Vincent D'Onofrio's swag, vs Andrew Reed. Reed retained the championship, we didn't win the 50/50 raffle, and literally everyone in the building was invited to the afterparty, which was a classy move that we were unfortunately far too exhausted to take advantage of.

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